Toronto FC Fans Whizz at Church, Decent Soccer

Toronto FC fans are well on their way to reaching the dickweed bar they’ve set for themselves. They’ve already proven Toronto FC fans can’t control themselves when the first franchise goal is scored. Now they’re in midseason form by first kick in the 2008 season. The seven-hour bus ride to Columbus for the opening game against the Crew gave them time to marinade in alcohol.

Columbus Crewzers

(Come on, Toronto; the Columbus Crewzers have some pride)

The result? Hooting at Columbus Crew cheerleaders to “take off your tops”, throwing smoke bombs on the field, vomiting profusely, and then taking leaks in front of a church. Now that’s family-friendly MLS entertainment!

“Toronto fans had been urinating on a chain link fence that bordered the field, even though it looked onto a church across the street. The churchgoers called police, and one man was arrested.”

That’s right; even God takes a timeout to shield His eyes and call police when someone takes a whizz in His general direction.

Still, most Ohioans weren’t fazed in the least:

“”They’re just having some fun,” Beth Augustine, a sweet-as-apple-pie stadium volunteer said from her post directly behind the rowdiest section of FC supporters. “You should be here when Michigan comes down to play Ohio State in football. This stuff, this is nothing.”"

That’s right, Toronto; your fans aren’t even as bad as people from Michigan. Michigan! Why, you’re not even trying. Maybe you should go practice burning down Quebec and come back when you’re good and ready.

Besides, the extraordinary lousy Toronto FC (losers by a score of 2-0 and missers of a penalty kick) and its fans didn’t even pass the biggest bowel movement of the day in MLS. Better luck next road trip, eh?