Tiger Woods Wants You to Blow Off Work for Him

EA Sports wants into the subscription business that has put Blizzard Entertainment into more money than they know what to do with. So they’re offering up their most popular title that is also easy to transport Web-ward (Tiger Woods PGA Tour) in a “multi-tiered subscription” model this fall.

Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods

(Gonna go out on a limb and guess you can’t unlock both players in this game)

This is, of course, code for “the first one’s always free”. You want a sand wedge? That’s a dollar. You want a red Nike shirt? That’s a dollar. You want to play more than three courses? That’s a dollar. You want Elin Nordegren? Why don’t you just give EA your AmEx Black and they’ll let you know when they’re done with it?

Instead of that game (which sounds an awful lot like an authentic golf simulation where you spent every dime you own to get better when you never will), why not consider another possible version of the game that would be authentic, fun, and not require all that nonsense?

If we’re all lucky, it’ll be like “Punch Out” but with more goodies earned. Here’s the dream breakdown:

  • John Daly is your first easy victim, but just like Glass Joe, he’s so much fun to watch swing away that you play him repeatedly.
  • If you beat Sergio Garcia, he leaves his girlfriend and pouts in his $250,000 Tesla for a good hour. If you lose to him, though, the game charges you $50 to pay for all the times the Master Control Program calls you and mocks you at work during conference calls.
  • You can only beat Phil Mickelson if you achieve the Tiger Woods paper cutout mask.
  • If you lose to Tiger Woods (and, come on, you’re losing to Tiger Woods) but can survive for five rounds or more, a virtual John Feinstein rolls in and offers to write a book about you. He knocks it out during lunch.

Also, there’s enhancements and achievements:

  • As you progress, you earn more sponsorships, starting out with “AAA Web Design and Cookie Baking” and ending with a Nike deal. The penultimate sponsorship deal? The Pope lets you wear his mitre for 18 holes. (Yes, the Nike deal is bigger than the Pope.)
  • You get to select from driver covers that you earn for each win. You start off with the paper bag you were carrying your liquor in and then slowly progress (old sock, knitted cover from your grandma, etc.) until you reach the ultimate prize: your driver is dipped in solid gold. Sure, it’s harder to swing, but it’s solid gold! Sell the damned thing.
  • Don’t try to take a screenshot of Tiger’s swing; your screen will mysteriously slam down on your fingers and keyboard. When you finally get the screen back in place, you see Steve Williams walking offscreen and whistling innocently.

And don’t tell anyone we told you, but there will be a special cheat code as well. If you type in his phone number, Dr. James Andrews appears on the course and stares at Tiger’s knee disapprovingly. Tiger collapses in a pool of tears.