Week In Review: Models Hit The Altar w/Athletes

• Sorry, fellas - Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima is officially off the market after eloping with Memphis Grizzlies guard Marko Jaric.

Adriana Lima Gisele Bundchen

• Meanwhile, fellow lovely lingerie poser Gisele Bundchen has finally made an honest man out of Tom Brady.

• Could Gina Carano soon be following in Adriana’s & Gisele’s high heels? After all, she just did a spread for Maxim - while her bra is up for bids.

• Speaking of awesome auctions, a Mickey Mantle-autographed “F*** Yogi” baseball was on the block. But Mickey’s son may be calling foul.

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Recap: Poker Player Charged With Killing Parents

• A debt-ridden professional poker player is arrested for killing his parents in an attempt to get at his inheritance sooner than scheduled.

Ernest Scherer II poker

Jonathan Papelbon has a premonition that he isn’t long for this world.

• Isn’t there anyone who wants to stay #1 in college basketball?

• A 45-year-old Ohio man loses 200 pounds on his way to becoming a college wrestler.

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Bayless: Cowboys Claimed Aikman Is “Bisexual”

You might just know Skip Bayless as the blowhard on ESPN who says outrageous statements just to get attention. (Versus, basically, every other personality on ESPN who does exactly the same thing.) Among his greatest hits are his on-going hatred of LeBron James and his belief that Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were boycotting a golf event because it was sponsored by Mercedes.

Skip Bayless

(ESPNer Bayless reiterated stand on Aikman’s sexual preference)

So you might be surprised - shocked, even - to learn that Bayless used to be more than a talking head seeking out controversy: he used to be a writer seeking out controversy. THE STARTING FIVE has Part One of an exhaustive interview with Bayless about his columns and books, focusing on his expose “Hell-Bent: The Crazy Truth About the’Win or Else’ Dallas Cowboys,” which created a scandal for allegedly “outing” Cowboys QB Troy Aikman. And Bayless isn’t backing down. Sort of.

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Speed Read: Playoffs Ruin The Regular Season?

One of the arguments I’ve heard over and over about keeping the current BCS system in college football is that a playoff would make the regular season irrelevant. Why get fired up about USC losing to Oregon State if they are still going to make it into the playoffs? The traditionalists, conference heads and Beano Cook all agree that college football already has a playoff called the regular season, and a postseason playoff would only tarnish it and make it unimportant.

Michigan State players react to Northwestern loss

Allow me to offer a counter argument based on last night’s college basketball results. Go tell the Northwestern basketball fans (and yes, they do exist) that the regular season doesn’t matter because it’s all about March Madness. In what might be the greatest day in Northwestern basketball history (and possibly the only great day in Northwestern basketball history), the Wildcats beat No. 7 Michigan State 70-63, their first win at East Lansing since 1984.

Or, go ask Virginia Tech fans if they are excited about knocking off No. 1 Wake Forest 78-71, handing the Demon Deacons their first loss of the season (that is if you can get them off the court.) Or Clemson fans how they feel about their team extending their record at North Carolina to 0-54 after getting shellacked 94-70 by the Tar Heels in a match-up of Top Ten teams.

But clearly, nobody cares about college basketball until March, which is why ESPN has about 500 games on a night across their vast network of channels. Seriously, this logic is as flawed as the BCS system itself - college basketball is thriving because of March Madness, not in spite of it, and nights like last night serve as a pretty stark reminder why.

The NBA also has a playoff at the end of the regular season, and people seem to be watching that as well (at least the final three minutes or so of games). And it was a pretty fun night there, too, if not as upset-filled. For example, the Lakers beating the Clippers 108-97? Not a surprise.

Andrew Bynum

But Andrew Bynum going off for 42 points and 15 rebounds? Big surprise. The Lakers are already among the league’s elite teams. If they get anything resembling that kind of production from Bynum on a regular basis, it’s a scary proposition for the rest of the NBA.

Here’s the other sports news you missed last night as you were still stuck in traffic trying to get back from the Presidential Inauguration:

  • With all the great basketball finishes last night, the best one was certainly in the SMU vs. Marshall game, where Markel Humphrey made a 75-foot shot as time expired to give the Thundering Herd a 53-50 victory. WSAZ-TV has the story and video.
  • Marshall player Markel Humphrey

  • You might remember the Greek basketball team Olympiakos when they lured Josh Childress from the Hawks and made a big money offer to Kobe Bryant. Now NEWSDAY is saying that they have contacted the Knicks about getting Stephon Marbury out of his contract and over to their team. I wonder if they buy cheap sneakers in Athens, too.
  • Rod Marinelli isn’t bitter at the Detroit media. No, not at all. MLIVE.COM says the new defensive line coach for the Bears greeted some male Detroit writers who approached him at the Senior Bowl with a curt “Hello, Ladies” before ignoring them. Needless to say, a women’s sports group has already squeezed an apology out of him. Hey, he might not like the Detroit media, but at least he didn’t steal their luggage.
  • Ever see the scores of one of those ridiculous high school basketball blowouts and wonder what it feels like to be unceremoniously thrashed? The DALLAS MORNING NEWS talks to the players on the Dallas Academy’s girls basketball team after their 100-0 loss on Tuesday to find out.
  • OK, I understand that Stanford might be having budget woes, as INSIDE BAY AREA reports. But they have a squash team? What’s next, racquetball? Kickball?
  • I imagine being a ball boy is a rough job - physically demanding, pressure-filled, and having to deal with your friends’ jokes about your job title. So what you probably don’t need is to take a forehand to the head, like STUFF NEW ZEALAND says this poor kid did at the Australian Open:
  • After getting ripped by Troy Aikman, who said that he didn’t “fully grasp what being the Cowboys quarterback is all about,” Tony Romo tells the DALLAS MORNING NEWS that he has vowed to change his leadership style in 2009. The first step: personally delivering a Singapore-style caning to anyone who speaks to Ed Werder.
  • With Charles Barkley having exited the broadcast booth (temporarily or permanently), it’s fallen on Chris Webber and Gary Payton to pick up the slack of slightly insane basketball analysts, and they are doing a fair job of it. NESW SPORTS has video of them slamming Nene for getting married over the All-Star break, which devolves into suggesting that Dwight Howard dunk over him and his bride. Good stuff.
  • In yet another example of the failing economy intruding into the protective bubble we call sports, the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER reports that the Browns have laid off 18 employees, including their Director of Media Relations. Perhaps Rod Marinelli could handle a second job?
  • A high school basketball coach in Philadelphia tells the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS that he doesn’t blame his player who sucker punched him in the back of the head following a close loss, but feels for him. If only my old boss was so forgiving after I kneed him in the groin after he cost us the Putnam Electronics deal.

What was last night’s most shocking college basketball upset?

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One’s Ankles Are Not Supposed To Bend That Way

We had ourselves another one of “those” moments earlier today in the Packers-Vikings game, the Joe Theismann/Napoleon Kaufman kind of instance where a gruesome replay unfortunately (or fortunately, if you’re sick) catches a closeup of a horrific injury. The victim this time? Vikings return man Charles Gordon and his poor, poor ankle.

Charles Gordon

(Gordon, during happier times, when both ankles were intact)

The play came in the first half of the game, when Gordon got his ankle caught under a Packers player while getting tackles.

PROFOOTBALLTALK.COM has some more details: “Though Joe Buck and Troy Aikman missed the fact (both live and via replay) that Gordon’s foot was pointing in the wrong direction once the play had ended, it was obvious when FOX went to commercial that something was horribly wrong.”

The grotesque video for you sick individuals is after the jump. Warning: You might want to hold off eating before viewing it. It’s a doozy.

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Blog Jam: Someone Translate 0-16 Into Spanish

Chad Ocho Cinco

Blog-O-Rama: Royals Runner Leaps Over Pitcher

• FAN IQ finds Joey Gathright leaping at the opportunity to secure a spot on the Royals’ roster:

• WITH LEATHER passes the tissues, as a jilted guy turns to the Cubs to mend his broken heart.

• BALLHYPE charts the most loved and most loathed in DEADSPIN’s Media Approval Ratings.

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Blog-O-Rama: MJ Making Time With New Gal Pal

• MIXMAKERS captures some candids of Michael Jordan with a new lady:

Michael Jordan with new girlfriend

Funny, we though he more into the chunky caucasian type.

• SPORTS FROG is shocked - SHOCKED! - that John Daly isn’t a morning person, as the gutty golfer missed a 9:33 a.m. tee time with Cheech Marin & Don Cheadle.

• Speaking of wake-up calls, PITCH INVASION checks their room key, as the Ghana national soccer team was booted out of their hotel - in their own country.

• Staying with the other kind of football, THE BEAUTIFUL GAME meets the Joe Starkey of English announcing:

• THE WIZARD OF ODDS throws the flag, as they review the cheapest collegiate shots of 2007. Read more…

Aikman & Buck Gunning For Orville Redenbacher

AWFUL ANNOUNCING hungers at the news of a new line of gourmet popcorn flavors - featuring Troy Aikman & Joe Buck!

Troy Aikman Joe Buck popcorn

The Dale & Thomas Popcorn Company have pegged the Fox Sports commentators to help shill their newest kerneled creations - Aikman’s Halftime Chili & Sour Cream and Buck’s Dark Fudge DrizzleCorn with Praline Almonds.

You know, we never thought we’d see the day when the words “Joe Buck” and “Dark Fudge DrizzleCorn” would be seen together, much less for a snack product.

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