Livestrong Cancer Hoax Ends In Woman’s Suicide

One of the blogosphere’s most prominent cancer fighters was “Jonathan Jay White,” a 15-year-old (here’s his Blogger profile) who was “diagnosed with Anaplastic Astrocytoma [[Brain Cancer]].” The fact that we’re using quotation marks so liberally should be a dead giveaway that something is wrong. Also, so is the headline.

Jonathan Jay White
(Given all this, who’s the real kid in this picture? He can’t be happy about his likeness being used like this, right?)

White’s prominence and medical condition led many to lend their support to his predicament. A fund was set up to help pay for his treatment, he received gifts like a signed guitar from Kenny Chesney & a skateboard from Tony Hawk, and the Livestrong foundation even took up the cause. When White was supposed to undergo surgery, however, the bizarre truth came out: he didn’t exist.

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GB QB Going Out w/Gorgeous Grapefruit Heiress

• Meet Julie Henderson, SI swimsuit model & grapefruit heiress - oh, and the main squeeze of Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers.

Julie Henderson

• Raider Nation celebrates 50 years of existence, spiked shoulder pads.

• The Miami Dolphins keep having identity issues. First it was Vontae Davis’ false arrest, and now it’s Davone Bess bothered by a fake Twitterer.

Tony Hawk takes a quick skateboard trip through the White House, and FOX NEWS throws a fit.

• Nothing says “I Love You” quite like personalized bobbleheads - just ask Red Sox owner John Henry & his new wife.

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Hawk Skates White House, Panties Bunch At FOX

You, like us, might have a had a good chuckle over those pictures of Tony Hawk skating down a White House hallway. You might have thought it a bit of harmless fun; a great chance for Hawk, and a lighthearted moment for the administration. You must not work at Fox News.

Tony Hawk

(Nice photo, Zapruder)

Turns out the “balance” in “fair and balanced” has nothing to do with skateboarding. Also, it turns out that Tony Hawk’s rampant disregard for history and decorum has EVERYTHING to do with Iran. So Red State America, never the intended X Games audience, has another reason to rage at those skater kids with their long hair and their music and their Pogs and their rainbow parties and their Run DMC.

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Speed Read: End Of The Road For Chris Chelios?

In case you hadn’t noticed, and after these many years it’s okay if you hadn’t, Chris Chelios has been around forever. For-eh-vur. The 47-year-old has literally spent a majority of his life as a player in the NHL, breaking into the league with Montreal during the 1983-84 season. Yeah, back when “Jump” was the hot new sound from Van Halen. That’s how long dude’s been around.

Chris Chelios Weightlifting
(Of course he stuck around this long because of hard work. What did you expect? Prayer?)

And while injuries and the unrelenting assault of time on an aging man’s body have kept Chelios from the legendary Gordie Howe’s all-time record in games played and other marks of longetivity, Chelios is still a colossal freak of nature. Look no further than at (it bears repeating) the age of 47, Chelios is finally being released by the Detroit Red Wings. As the DETROIT NEWS reports, though, he still might not be done:

General manager Ken Holland met with Chelios Monday afternoon and, as expected, gave him the news Chelios will not be re-signed.

“It was kind of understood last summer, after Cheli signed, that the 2008-09 season would be the last one for Cheli as a Red Wing,” said Holland, noting the need for the Wings to bring in younger players. “He wants to play another season and I believe he can still play.”

Perhaps Chelios has a year or two left in him as a swan song in Chicago, or maybe he wants to see if he can hit 50 in an NHL uniform, a stunning accomplishment that really has zero bearing on the world at large. Don’t get us wrong, most guys don’t make it to 30 in the league, much less tack two more entire decades on the odometer, but at no point is Chelios ever going to be a catalyst for great things anymore.

Which is fine, of course. Guys stick around in professional athletics for a few years too many on a regular basis, and few (if any) have earned the privilege as much as Chelios. It’s just that at this point, the list of teams who might pick him up are those who really don’t even need the help to begin with.

Speaking of Chris Chelios (WARNING: this segue makes no sense), let’s talk about women fighting each other. You might remember last week where Cris “Cyborg” Santos choked out a reporter who foolishly questioned her ability to finish a submission move against a fighter, y’know, like how real men do. Well, being that Santos is going to fight SbB favorite Gina Carano in Carano’s post-EliteXC return to the Octagon, one display of lady-on-gentleman brutality can’t go unreturned before the fight, right? Right:

Nighty nighty, talker man. The question isn’t where are you, as Santos’ victim asked when he came back to Earth, but what are you: that would be lucky as hell, lucky that someone strong enough to turn the lights out with such ease also possesses the capacity for mercy, which is pretty much the only thing that has saved your brain’s regular functions.

If ladychoking is the next salvo fired in the War on Equality, then so be it, because strong women are clearly capable of winning that fight against weak men. And sure, a man can still probably choke out a woman, but anyone willing to make that case, even hypothetically, probably isn’t someone worth your time in conversation. Avoid accordingly.

Last, speaking of choking, let’s talk about USC. In the wake of Tim Floyd’s shame-splattered resignation and allegations of selective rule enforcement in the case of Reggie Bush, former Heisman hero and current athletic director Mike Garrett demands to be judged by his record and his legacy. For example, he hired Pete Carroll. Also, he hired, um… uh…

Pete Carroll USC Song Girls
(The Song Girls aren’t really hired, per se, so that doesn’t count. The white-haired guy in the middle does, though.)

Turns out, as the LOS ANGELES TIMES points out, he doesn’t exactly have a track record of success to fall back on, despite his boasts. So while Carroll’s hire is to Garrett as the Emancipation Proclamation is to Abraham Lincoln (seriously, Abe, what else did you accomplish, other than monopolizing the top hat?*), the rest of the resume seems to be, ahem, lacking. The worst hire, in retrospect, seems to be Floyd, who may have crippled the Trojans’ basketball program for years to come in order to secure one year of service from O.J. Mayo. And let’s hope that mistake doesn’t happen again…

Who’s the next big star from O.J. Mayo’s family?

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So above all else, Garrett’s resume suggests that success is but a random decision away, a call to be made by livestock choosing to address one of several piles of food, each festooned with a different logo. Blew it on that up-and-coming coach from Southwestern State back in 2003? Hey, what can you do; Ernie the Carnivorous Pheasant clearly indicated he was due by way of which chum pile he devoured, and in any case, we saved the $12 million a barely-competent would have demanded over those same six years.

Some extra links to consider while you keep the horse off the launchpad…

  • J.R. Smith and Eddy Curry were apparently webcasting online as they were pulled over for the all-too-common D.W.B., as INSIDE HOOPS reports. No charges were filed and no video seems to exist, which is precisely why you’re reading about it here and not blaring at the top of a morning post. [UPDATE: Smith’s unequivocally calling bullfeathers on the story, though it seems so oddly specific we’re not sure why they would make any of that up.]
  • OPPOSITE DAY: The worst GM in at least the last 30 years, Steve Phillips, is allowed to make assertions about baseball that go routinely unchallenged. This is like giving Karl Rove his own political column… oh wait.
  • A word to Texas baseball coach Augie Garrido: there are many, many opportunities for somebody to make self-deprecating jokes to the press. A recent DUI arrest and your mugshot, for example would probably not be the best opportunity to do so. Just something to keep in mind going forw–well, I see we’re too late.
  • Joakim Noah will join Mickael Pietrus and Jean-Shaquille L’Oneal (we made up the last one, of course, but not the first two) on the French national team for upcoming international play. Vince Carter was seem chuckling, sizing up Noah’s dimensions, and dialing his time machine back to 2000. It’s been a while since he abused a giant Frenchman, you see, and these desires just never seem to go away after you indulge them once.

  • Tony Hawk got to visit the White House, then skateboard through it. And you know what? You can do the exact same thing if you spend 20 years getting famous for being better at one thing than anyone else in the world, and no, we’re not talking about what you do three times a day whenever the wife’s not around. In that case, practice makes pervert. Now pull up your pants and keep reading.
  • No, University of Illinois, Ron Santo was not trying to get into med school (not as anything but a discount-level test dummy; get some toes, then we can talk full price).
  • Bet you don’t know who just beat out Jason Jennings for the franchise lead for most victories. Did you guess Aaron Cook? Well, you probably cheated.
  • Some eight-grader does a flip and throws the basketball in a hoop from almost a full court. This is actually less related to competitive basketball than dunk contests, which we didn’t even think was possible.

(What’s next, trying to shoot it out of a cannon into a hoop? What does this have to do with actual basketball? God, we’re old.)

*We’re addressing him in the first person because we have it on good authority that Abe Lincoln and other dead Presidents read SbB with astonishing regularity in the afterworld. Heaven has great wi-fi. Which seems appropriate, if you think about it; how good could heaven really be if the wireless sucked?

Brandi Chastain’s Bra Held Up in Bankruptcy Court

When you hear the name Brandi Chastain, one indelible & memorable image undoubtedly comes to mind:

Brandi Chastain bra

As you sit and stare at the snapshot above, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, I wonder what ever happened to Brandi’s sports bra? Surely a garment of such historic sports magnitude must be proudly on display in one of our nation’s many majestic museums!” (Or you’re more likely thinking, “Dude! She took off her shirt! Sweet!”)

Well, Brandi’s bra was a mighty museum memento for a while, but not anymore. So where is it now?

Answer: In a storage facility in New Jersey.

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Terence Newman’s First, Last Rollercoaster Ride

Funny stuff here from the DALLAS MORNING NEWS (via WITH LEATHER). The Dallas Cowboys’ star cornerback not named Pacman Adam Jones took the DMN for a wild ride on the Tony Hawk Big Spin rollercoaster.

It was Terence Newman’s first ride, and he put on the brave front while praying to “six pound, eight ounce baby Jesus“.

Video of Terry’s wild ride after the jump.

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