Hey, Huge Surprise: Ortiz Denies Using Steroids

Perhaps sarcasm isn’t a noble trait, but we’re going to engage in it for a little while anyway. Apologies to those who thought we were better than that; we’re not. But now David Ortiz, after several days and close consult with MLBPA lead counsel Michael Weiner, has decided to tell us he actually never did steroids. Well, how about that! What a shocker! It must be true!

Dan Duquette Needle
(”Our secret is safe.” “Yes, Dan. Yessss…”)

That was the gist of Ortiz’s press conference this afternoon, which was - as we predicted earlier - several hundred words of nothing. Well, technically that’s not true; there were unconfirmable denials and beaucoup excuses. Other than that, nada.

Read more…

Ortiz Using Weiner To Explain ‘03 Positive Test

The “revelation” about David Ortiz’s positive steroids test in 2003 is about to be addressed by Big Papi himself, according to the BOSTON GLOBE. That’s good, we suppose; you don’t want that fact just floating out there without any sort of context or mitigating factors or anything.

david ortiz
(And if he gets nervous during the speech, he’ll stick his fingers in his armpits and then smell them.)

But Ortiz won’t be alone; with him is going to be MLBPA general counsel (and incoming executive director, when Donald Fehr hangs his cleats up) Michael Weiner. And it’s funny, because his name is Weiner. But anyway. Weiner’s expected to be there to “help clarify the complicated legal issues involved in the Ortiz case.” Or in other words, bloviate and obfuscate.

Read more…

Ortiz, Sponsors On ‘03 Positive Test: “Hmmrphm”

Funniest thing about that report of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez testing positive for steroids in 2003: Big Papi has a lot of people heavily invested in the notion of him as a clean player.

Dan Duquette Needle
(”You said they’d never find out about our team and you, Anthropomorphic Steroid Needle.” “Shhh, Dan… shhh….”)

Not the least of those is Ortiz himself; as we mentioned before, he’s not as eager to call for suspensions now as he was back in February. But his sponsors, they’ve got to be decrying all of this nonsense, right?

Read more…

Roger Clemens Speaks, Has Nothing To Say

For the past year, retired dushbag Roger Clemens has been lying low out of the public eye since testifying before Congress on his alleged use of magical performance-enhancing potions. The popular theory was that Clemens was hunkering down with his legal team in preparation of a legal battle with…well, any number of people, really. Mindy McCready? Brian McNamee? All of the above?

roger clemens grimmace

Well, with the publication of a new book linking Clemens to ‘roids, the Rocket decided now was the time to set the record straight once and for all in an email interview with HOUSTONIST.COM. Oh, did I just say “set the record straight?” Sorry. I meant, “continue being the raging dushbag he’s always been.”

Read more…

Baseball’s Whistleblower Up For HOF Nomination

Eleven years ago, the world of sports was a very different place. Internet usage was in its relative infancy, ESPN cared more about televising sports news than people shouting at each other, and steroids were something that old-timey football players like Lyle Alzado used. That summer, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa would capture the nation’s attention and “save baseball” with their epic home run battle. It was truly a simpler time.

Sosa McGwire SI Cover

The lone voice of cynicism that summer was AP writer Steve Wilstein, who introduced the world to the bottle of androstenedione in Mark McGwire’s locker. By doing so, he opened the floodgates to the controversy over steroids, and opened himself up to much controversy. Fast forward eleven years. That summer’s heroes - McGwire and Sosa - are disgraced shells of their former selves…and Wilstein? He might be headed to the Hall of Fame.

Read more…

NY Times: Sosa Tested Positive For PEDs in 2003

The issue of Sammy Sosa’s Hall of Fame candidacy has lay near the center of a vortex of both cynicism and optimism for years now, teetering between “Hey, he never tested positive, did he?” and “Come on, everybody knows he was using something.” Both sides had merit, and how one felt about Sosa closely mirrored how one felt about the era as a whole. So goes Sosa, so goes the rest of the league from, oh, ‘96 to ‘03.

Sosa McGwire SI Cover
(This, in retrospect, was most unfortunate.)

Well, both sides had merit, anyway. Lawyers close to the 2003 drug tests have just revealed to the NEW YORK TIMES that Sosa did, in fact, test positive for a performance-enhancing drug in the league-wide tests that year. Neither Sosa nor the MLB is allowed to comment, since those test results are sealed (you’d think a lawyer would understand what that meant), but we don’t know what any of them would say.

Read more…

MLBers In The Olympics? It Might Happen In 2016

Now that the whole “amateur” thing is completely out the window for Olympians, it’s now becoming only a matter of time before the American professional leagues begin releasing their athletes for competition. Well, except for football; we don’t think anyone from the NFL is going to the Olympics. Well, unless competitive eating becomes an Olympic event, in which case LenDale White can finally become the worldwide hero he was born to be.

Dan Duquette Needle
(I’m sorry, Imaginary Hypodermic Needle. I don’t think you’re wanted for this one. Go back to the clubhouse.)

So while the MLB isn’t in for the 2012 Olympics, the 2016 games in Chicago are another matter entirely. With Wrigley Field and the Cell right there in the city and the home stage (as well as seven years to negotiate with owners), according to BIG LEAGUE STEW, the MLB thinks now’s the time to kinda commit to bringing its athletes to the OlympicsRead more…

Olympic Medalist Fails PED Test, Starts Drug Ring

Maybe all those PSA’s about steroid abuse being harmful are on to something. Not the steroids themselves, but as a gateway drug. How else can we explain the Olympic medalist who went from testing positive to PEDs, to allegedly running one of the largest ecstasy rings in Australia?

Nathan Baggaley

Nathan Baggaley, 33, has won three kayaking world championships and two silver medals in Athens. Police found 13,500 pills, $50,000 (USD) of drug money and a quantity of powder capable of producing more than 160,000 tablets. Oh, and an industrial pill press at Baggaley’s home.

That’d be a 50-game suspension under Bud Selig.

Read more…

Bodybuilders Beat Cheeks When Drug Cops Arrive

Over the past several years, a pattern of similarities has emerged among American athletes who have been caught using performance-enhancing substances like steroids. Namely, they took the drug test required by their respective sport in the first place. What a mistake! Just think - if only Manny Ramirez had run out of the room when asked to pee in MLB’s cup, he never would have tested positive for female fertility drugs and Los Angeles would still be littered with Mannywood billboards.

Bodybuilder

If that scenario seems a little far-fetched (OK, completely ridiculous), then you obviously haven’t been following European bodybuilding as closely as you should. If you had been following it like you should, you would’ve learned how to approach the “pee-in-a-cup” event of the Belgian bodybuilding championships like a true champion: running away as fast as possible.

Read more…

Red Sox Not Amused By “Steroid Doctor” Rumors

In the wake of Manny Ramirez’s PED suspension - perhaps you’ve heard a bit about it - everything about his career has come under increased scrutiny, especially his glory years in Boston. It’s only fair, as long as “scrutiny” doesn’t cross the line into “assumed guilt.” Scrutiny isn’t evidence, it’s looking for evidence.

Dan Duquette Needle
(”Dr. Steroid, do you have anything to add?”)

Oh, but then there’s former infielder Lou Merloni. On Saturday, he told Comcast’s THE BASEBALL SHOW that during his Red Sox stint, he’d attended a spring training meeting where a doctor taught the players about how to properly use steroids. Eeeep.

Merloni has since backed off a bit, telling the BOSTON GLOBE that the doctor was in no way endorsing the PEDs, but advising against improper use (overuse, needle misuse, etc.). There’s a jarringly apt analogy that we’ll get into later. Fortunately, the Red Sox brass are taking this in stride. Just kidding, they’re on the warpath: Read more…