“You can’t get it through, can’t do it. Impossible”

Caller: “What do you think the chances are that Jose Reyes has the biggest cock?

Francesa: “(long pause) … Well, here’s the thing I try to tell you guys. Ummm, when you call up and try to do something stupid like curse or something like that, you can’t get it through. You can’t do it. … It’s impossible. You might think you’re thrilling your friends but it just doesn’t work.

Miked-Up Mediasaurus Napalmed Into Stone Age

Apparently WFAN-AM’s Mike Francesa spent one of the 27 consecutive live hours of his daily show (live from Queens!) ripping into ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons. Called him a “stooge” and a “fraud.”

Bill Simmons Mike Francesa

In the old days, if Simmons was a newspaper columnist, he’d have very little recourse. Back when Francesa mattered to under-54s outside the Tri-State, sports radio was the medium of immediacy.

Not anymore.

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Speed Read: Allen Outduels Gordon, Saves Celts

With three minutes left in last night’s Bulls-Celtics tilt, it looked like Ben Gordon was going to will the Bulls to an astounding 2-0 series lead. But then, as Paul Pierce wilted down the stretch, Ray Allen finally woke up and saved Boston’s season with two huge threes, including the game-winner with two seconds left as Boston won 118-115. Rajon Rondo bounced back from a sprained knee/ankle/hip he suffered just before halftime to finish with a triple double: 19 points, 12 rebounds, and 16 assists.

Ray Allen

Gordon scored 42 for Chicago, but the Bulls couldn’t keep the Celtics off the offensive boards all night, and it cost the Bulls dearly in the fourth quarter. With about 30 seconds left and holding a one-point lead, Chicago was unable to corral a loose ball that eventually ended up in Allen’s hand — and he nailed a three to give the Celtics the lead. Gordon answered to tie it, but never got another chance as Allen hit a tough shot over the outstretched arms and hair of Joakim Noah to end it.

Well, there were two seconds left, but Vinny Del Negro plowed through all of his timeouts too soon (and at least one of them seemed completely unnecessary, considering the Bulls’ only play in the final three minutes was “give it Ben Gordon and get out of his way”), meaning the Bulls got a 70-footer from Tyrus Thomas at the buzzer. Still, a split in Boston is all the Bulls could reasonably ask for, and knowing that they can compete when the series comes back to Boston is going to be key.

Ben Gordon

Can the Bulls actually win this series?

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In the other playoff game, the Spurs got 38 points from Tony Parker and beat the Mavs 105-84. Still, it seems like Dallas is winning this series, doesn’t it?

In the NHL, the Bruins moved within one game of their first playoff series win in 10 years with a 4-2 victory at Montreal, taking a 3-0 lead. Meanwhile, the Caps scored a huge 4-0 road win over the Rangers at MSG after dropping the first two games at home. And in Calgary, the Flames got back within 2-1 in the series by beating Chicago 4-2. It was Calgary’s first win in seven games against the Blackhawks this season.

• If you’re a Cubs fan and you’re dead, there’s still a way for you to support the team that probably hastened your death in the first place. That’s right, a Cubs-themed cemetery called Beyond the Vines opens for business on Wednesday.

Cubs cemetery

Billed as “eternal luxury suites for Cubs fans,” the cemetery features an ivy-covered brick wall and will have some other Wrigley touches, such as a stained-glass replica of the ballpark’s scoreboard.  CNBC’s Darren Rovell says that if this works, the guy who came up with it is going to take it to Yankee fans.

• You might have noticed that Chien-Ming Wang sucks now. Even worse is that he’s out of options so the Yanks can’t send him down to the minors without sending him through waivers, and someone would surely claim him (the Orioles can always use a guy with a 34.50 ERA). Worse for Wang is the fact that he’s signed to a one-year deal, which means he’s this close to pitching for the Newark Bears next year. Or, you know, Wang could throw 45 consecutive scoreless innings and get his ERA under 4. RIVER AVE BLUES is searching for answers.

• Yeah, the Marlins were 11-1, but you don’t just go into Ross Ohlendorf’s house and expect to win ball games. The Pirates now have four shutouts this year after beating Florida 8-0. They had two all of last year.

• American running hottie Kara Goucher almost won the Boston Marathon yesterday. She actually had the lead in the final stretch, but was passed up by a Kenyan and an Ethiopian and finished third, just nine seconds off the winning time. The BOSTON HERALD says she would’ve been the first American to win the race since 1985.

Kara Goucher

• A record-low crowd of 12,473 paying customers saw Nationals pitcher Jordan Zimmerman make his major-league debut last night. Actually, it was a lot less than that because a pre-game rain delay chased all but a few hundred fans from the park. By the time Joel Hanrahan saved a 3-2 win over the Braves, the WASHINGTON POST estimates there were 70 people there. I know it was a crappy night, but isn’t it great that D.C. spent millions on that new ballpark?

The Detroit Lions have a new logo. Actually, it’s not really a new logo at all.  It’s just the same logo, with some fierce teeth. It’s all part of a new attitude. This year, Dan Orlovsky’s going to get really angry when he takes a safety.

Lions logo

• The Arena Football League is off this season (which I’m sure you’ve noticed), but when the league comes back next year, the L.A. Avengers won’t be a part of it, according to ESPN. This is bad news for, uh, Todd Marinovich?

• DRAFTEXPRESS says Stephen Curry is going to skip his senior year and declare for the NBA Draft, where he should be picked somewhere in the late-lottery range.

• WFAN’s Mike Francesa says the Yankees need to somehow fix their new stadium as soon as the team leaves for its road trip this week to try and cut down on what he calls an “amusement park” atmosphere with balls flying out of the yard to right field at an alarming rate. But how? Even if it was physically possible to change the dimensions of the park in-season, that’s against MLB rules. So the only solutions are either changing how the wind blows through the park (a little unlikely) or getting rid of Chien-Ming Wang (see a few paragraphs above).

Speed Read: USC Pays Price To Wear Home Unis

If you needed a sign about how little respect Pete Carroll has for UCLA ahead of their rivalry game this Saturday, consider this nugget from the ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER: the Trojans are going to be wearing their home Cardinal and Gold uniforms for the game, even though it’s going to cost them a time out each half.

USC and UCLA in home uniforms

It’s a throwback to a tradition of both teams in the Crosstown Rivalry wearing their home uniforms that lasted until 1982, when it was stopped by the No-Fun Police of the NCAA. Carroll has had a jones to restart it since he’s been at USC, and he’s apparently willing to lose a pair of time outs to make this happen.

You don’t do this unless you are a 33-point favorite against a team whose offense scored four touchdowns for the other team last week, and you don’t have a chance in making it to the National Title game. I guess the football monopoly in Los Angeles isn’t quite over yet…

Meanwhile, the NFL game that no one wanted to see turned out to not be very good. The Houston Texans made their first-ever appearance on Monday Night Football…if not memorable, at least successful, beating the similarly hapless Jacksonville Jaguars 30-17.

Steve Slaton

Steve Slaton rushed for a pair of TDs, and Mario Williams had three sacks while continuing to make you wonder just how lousy the Texans would be if they had drafted bust Reggie Bush instead of him.

Other stories to consider while thanking God that this isn’t your son:

Who was the biggest bust in the 2006 NFL Draft

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Mad Dog Cancels “Mike and the Mad Dog” Show

Fans of sports radio were dealt a harsh blow this morning when they learned that the “little hiatus” that Mike and the Mad Dog were on had turned into a full-blown permanent breakup. Chris “Mad Dog” Russo has left the WFAN building.

Mike and the Mad Dog

(The pair, during happier times)

The pair, only weeks from their 19th anniversary on the air together, have broken up for good.

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Blogs: Penthouse Pet Hounded By Marcus Allen

• This Trojan’s ribbing not for her pleasure: WITH LEATHER finds Marcus Allen hounding a Penthouse Pet:

Kimberly Williams Marcus Allen

• BLAZERS EVANGELIST knows just how bright your star is shining when you make the front page of Portland Monthly.

• Speaking of mad mags, SbBer Matt tips us off to SPORTS ILLUSTRATED knowing what Michael Vick would be up to 20 years down the line, based on this cover from July 27, 1987:

Sports Illustrated Pitbull Cover

• THE BIG LEAD tunes in to discovered audio of Mike Francesa’s verbal beatdown of the Worldwide Leader.

• POP ON THE POP believes A-Rod’s marriage may be (*shock!*) in trouble:

A-Rod F-Rod

• LARRY BROWN SPORTS rats out news that the Dolphins are becoming the AFC East’s version of the Bengals.

• AWFUL ANNOUNCING turns on & drops out to ESPN’s new NASCAR technology that will let viewers see the air:


• BUGS & CRANKS presents the (police) lineup for the MLB All-Felon team.

• MR. SUNSHINE has Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman telling the national media to lay off his wonderful city:

Oscar Goodman Ham

• BROWNS GAB is getting a little worried that Cleveland still hasn’t signed their top 3 draft picks.