At the time I posted the footage, I wasn’t completely sure that Hoke had deliberately enacted an abbreviation-based embargo on Michigan’s interstate neighbors.
Now I am.
Today I was sent a photo of a rather unique clock currently on prominent display in the Michigan football team’s weight room that rules out Hoke’s halfway characterization of the Buckeyes as anything other than gamesmanship. The Wolverines coach has installed a reverse countdown clock in the UM conditioning facility that tracks the exact time ’til Michigan takes the field against Ohio State on Nov. 26, 2011. Under the clock’s display is a Buckeye football helmet and the words, “BEAT OHIO.”
But “Ohio” isn’t the only UM rival assigned such in-house hokum by the Wolverines coach.
Hoke also has a backwards-running clock for Michigan’s Oct. 15, 2011, East Lansing engagement with Michigan State.
A supposed quote by Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio - apparently uttered at a recent gathering of Ohio high school football coaches in Columbus - is also noted by a sign erected in the same UM training area: Read more…
Some Web sites offer you “insider” information on which teams to put money on during the week’s big football games. But only Sports by Brooks has the ultimate insider: Jesus Christ. That’s right, each week Our Lord and Savior will descend from Heaven to offer His insight into the week’s top games. And with over 60 percent of all college and NFL players attributing their success to Him, no one is more qualified to pick winners.
I know a lot of people wrote into me (email@example.com) to give me grief for going 2-3 last weekend. To the people who doubt my wisdom, I can just say that this is a journey and not a short trip. Or as Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” So instead of asking how your picks did, we’ll just use our knowledge gleaned from last week’s games to make better picks.
Rick Reilly stands this morning as the sports media’s Jack O’Halloran, the ever-prodding manchild from Superman II: every time he throws a bus at Tiger Woods, Tiger crawls out from underneath just a little angrier.
Sunday, Bay Hill stood in for Metropolis and Sean O’Hair pulled over the black bedazzled robes to take the Terence Stamp role to Tiger on Sunday, seemingly in control until he saw that red swoosh fill the camera. At that point, O’Hair dropped from the Saturday leader to a Sunday round of 73 and Tiger dropped a 15-footer for the one-shot victory at 18.
In drama worthy of a Donner-esque cut of a better sequel, Tiger took his first title after last year’s knee surgery on a long putt at hole #72 just like he did last spring. After the win, he met again with the namesake of the Arnold Palmer Invitational, who we think might be Perry White in this analogy. Or Lois Lane. This one may need some work still, unlike Tiger’s knee.
Neither game was particularly close, leaving casual sports fans hunting for Tiger or smaller game (as mentioned below). Sadly, even Clark Kellogg’s stale “versatile like baking soda” line couldn’t get any vinegar for a volcanic explosion.
At least the ticket sales should improve with a state team available to attend. Villanova and Connecticut will fill out the other two slots as we all spend all week polishing our convoluted plans to justify picking against a UConn-UNC final Monday night. (Oh, and is Roy Williams finally accepted at UNC? Just checking.)
A foreign country bordering the United States has such a horrific crime problem due to a drug war that it could affect their ability to host international tourists. Of course, we’re talking about Canada. Specifically, Vancouver’s inability to get decent amounts of cocaine has caused a gang war to break out, raising the murder rate dramatically.
After having to spend most of last summer listening to the incessant whining about the safety of the 2008 Beijing Games, we can’t help but notice the silence surrounding the 2010 Vancouver Games. We can’t quite put our finger on what could be different about the two countries. Maybe journalists feel safe after watching a “Da Vinci’s Inquest” marathon?
In case you suspect we’re overstating the case, listen to a local activist: “I’m really apprehensive about going out in the evening. We’ve turned into an American city.” Does that mean you’re not interested in two free Final Four tickets?
Stephen Curry’s little brother, Seth, will transfer to Duke and be eligible for the 2010-2011 campaign. Perhaps he just found the Teletubbies course syllabus on Liberty’s fall schedule.
John Calipari and the University of Kentucky have spotted each other from opposite ends of the dance and have started staring a little too long for it to be a coincidence. Expect someone’s dress to be up over their heads in the parking lot by Tax Day.
The Worldwide Leader dropped the bomb around midnight that Terrell Owens, whose given name could be Mercurial T. Owens, has been let go by the Dallas Cowboys. Clearly, anticipated chemistry issues with Jon Kitna forced the move. Kitna is on the record as preferring Sweet’n'Low while Owens is all about the Equal.
(”Ha ha ha ha… pack your stuff.”)
On SportsCenter last night, ESPN’s Michael Smith reported there would be significant financial penalties for the Cowboys to cut Owens as much of his 4-year, $34 million contract signed less than a year ago is guaranteed cash. We hope this means Owens will continue to have at least twenty million reasons to come back to camp this summer.
(Note to ESPN: Neil Everett is monumentally awful at ad-libbing. Never tell us how cool it is to be the one on the dais when news breaks. When a big story hits, break the glass on Bob Ley. Surprisingly good: Stuart Scott. Also, how did Ed Werder not break this story?)
(Note 2 to ESPN: Please remind Keyshawn Johnson that Charlie Manson comparisons may be a bit dated, not to mention a little racy.)
In brighter news, the Cleveland Cavaliers claimed the first musical chair in the Longines Symphonette that is the NBA playoffs with a 91-73 triumph at home against Milwaukee. The Cavaliers move to 48-12, which is exactly how LeBron James hopes his Knicks career starts in two years. (We kid, Cleveland, we kid.)
Then, when the Van Gundy with the honest living fussed about the sad little move, there was a Shaqhissy, captured on Miami’s 790 THE TICKET by Jorge Sedano and reproduced below in the popular MP3 format:
None of this, of course, helped the Suns win in Orlando or Miami. The Suns dropped their second Florida game in the “He Hate Me” series of former O’Neal teams last night in Miami, 135-129. No defense in here anywhere.
We feel compelled to note again that Shaq’s a complicated fellow. We recently saw him encourage his kids post-game to say hello to a fragile 7′ 6″ teen that sat near courtside after being featured on the local news the previous night. This was done under the stands with little fanfare, maybe a few dozen witnesses and none from the media.
When his young son was too shy to do so and tried to hide under Dad’s massive jacket, Shaq gently insisted until his son shook the adolescent hand. Shaq could relate to the teen’s condition better than nearly anyone on the planet and made sure that young man felt welcome. Also, Shaq showed his own son the importance of graciousness.
Shaq makes that gesture damned near every day of his life, often without credit. He’s also the same man that made the comments to the media above. He may have been compared to a meteorite by this author yesterday, but not in the most important way: Shaquille O’Neal is a force of nature. Try to comprehend him at your own risk.
Same for Terrell Owens. Same for LeBron James. Maybe not so much for Jon Kitna.
The biggest news out of the NHL trade deadline: Olli Jokinen moves from Calgary to Phoenix for a pretty bauble or three, allowing him to work for a team that has a half-decent chance of being solvent next season.
Here is an exclusive sneak peek at the entirety of Bill Self’s pre-game speech to his Kansas Jayhawks before Sunday’s game against plucky Davidson in the Elite Eight:
“This guy! Him! Cover him. See how there’s no one else in frame on this picture? Bad! Cover him. Cover. Him. Don’t be fooled by ball fakes or cuts or even if your man has the ball. Everyone just surround this guy. This one! Here! It doesn’t matter if he changes his jersey number or puts on a fake mustache. Him! Do not leave him alone. Are we clear? Alright. Rock chalk COVER HIM.”
Unfortunately, Bo Self spaced on this part in his pre-game pep talk, allowing Wisconsin’s celebrated Pit of Despair Defense to be thwarted by the chocolate-covered miracle pill known as Stephen Curry in a 73-56 Davidson beatdown. Curry continued to stun opponents with 33 points in this contest. (By way of reference, Wisconsin held Michigan to 34 points on March 14th.)