Dwight Howard Shows Mary Carey His Magic Wand

Tonight’s bedtime story involves adult film star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, the Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard, and Chris Kirkpatrick from N*SYNC. One of them takes off their pants, and it isn’t Carey. Also there’s Bible verses.

Oh come on, you weren’t going to sleep tonight anyway.

Mary Carey, Dwight Howard

In an interview with a Sacramento radio station on Tuesday, Carey — who was in town to promote a strip club, natch — told a pretty amazing story about being pursued by Howard, who showed up at Kirkpatrick’s house to see her while Carey was on a date with Kirkpatrick. Look, you’ll just have to hear it from her.

Includes a guest appearance by Mr. Mxyzptlk, as I am going to call this particular Superman body part.

Read more…

Pistons Rookie Wins Twitter Bet Against Porn Star

Near the beginning of the month, we informed y’all of a little Twitter wager going on between Detroit Pistons rookie DaJuan Summers and adult film star Valerie Luxe. The goal: first one to get 4,000 Twitter followers. The stakes: if DaJuan wins, Valerie treats him to dinner & a massage; if Valerie wins, DaJuan treats her to a trip to the waterpark.

DaJuan Summers Valerie Luxe

Well, Val better get the cooking oil & baby oil ready, ’cause it’s ‘Juan FTW!

Read more…

Speed Read: Should We Want A Freeway Series?

I guess with all the trade deadline rumors about deals that did or didn’t happen, it’s kind of easy to overlook the most important thing in baseball: the standings. Because the story no one seems to be talking about is the fact that the best records in each league belong to teams in Southern California, setting up a real possibility of the first-ever Freeway Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the…let’s just call them the Angels.

Matt Kemp

Both teams looked the part of World Series contenders on Sunday. In Atlanta, the Dodgers used a three-run homer by Matt Kemp to pound the Braves 9-1; meanwhile, the Angels hammered the Twins 13-4 to complete a three-game road sweep where they scored 35 runs. And while not everything is 100 percent for either team (Chad Billingsley left his start early with cramps during the Dodgers’ win, while Vladimir Guerrero suddenly turned 150 years old this season for the Angels), there’s at least a strong possibility of an all-LA (kinda, sorta) World Series.

Mike Napoli

And as a baseball fan living in Los Angeles, here’s my feeling on this: I hope to God this doesn’t happen. The first reason is selfish: I have to drive past Dodger Stadium every day for work - it’s almost impossible for a Tuesday night game against Florida, so I can’t imagine what a World Series game against the Angels would be like. A 30-minute commute turning into a two-hour nightmare? No thanks.

But more importantly, I’d have to hear weeks of coverage about the series as if it’s a real, heated rivalry. Which would make my head explode, because it just isn’t. This isn’t Red Sox vs. Yankees, with real, palpable hatred. Or even Yankees vs. Mets or Cubs vs. White Sox, both of which are city rivalries with loads of class, race and societal baggage (in that who you root for speaks volumes about who you are and where you came from).

Dodgers vs. Angels has none of this. People root for one or the other based on which ballpark was closer to them growing up. (Fortunately, the area that is equidistant from Dodger Stadium and Angel Stadium is the mini-mall and warehouse-filled patch of nothingness called Norwalk.) If Dodger fans think about the Angels at all, it’s with a dismissive chuckle. Meanwhile, Angels fans will quickly point out who has the last World Series title while secretly grimacing at the whole “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” fiasco.

So in summary: just because Chan-Ho Park karate-kicked Tim Belcher 8,000 years ago, this isn’t a heated rivalry, and a Freeway Series won’t change that. Now a Lakers vs. Clippers Western Conference final…

Melky Cabrera

After having sex with a porn star, the closest most people get to a “cycle” is starting the next round of penicillin in hopes that their genitals go back to normal. But apparently Melky Cabrera defied the odds and got a decidedly more wholesome cycle, in this case becoming the first Yankee in 14 years to hit for the cycle in their 8-5 win over the Chicago White Sox. (Although I can’t comment one way or the other about his need for penicillin, but if he did sleep with former California gubernatorial candidate/drunk/professional sex object Mary Carey, it’s a small miracle if he didn’t catch something.)

Finally, an update on a couple of noted sports underachievers: Michael Phelps only managed to win five gold medals at the World Championships, adding his final one on Sunday by anchoring the Americans’ record-setting 400-meter medley relay team; and Tiger Woods won just his fourth tournament of the season by winning (probably last-ever playing of) the Buick Open by three shots. If only those two could maximize their potential, they might really make something of themselves.

  • Does anyone understand why the Chiefs’ mascot is a wolf? And one that has trouble clearing small fences, as photos tracked down by ARROWHEAD PRIDE from training camp seem to indicate.
  • FANTASY FORECAST breaks down eight different types of people found at every fantasy football league draft. Although I think they left off Guy Who Gets So Drunk He’s Picking “Poopy Fartpants” by Round 6.
  • If you’re a big NFL fan near Troy, NY tonight, you might want to check out some minor-league baseball as the Tri-Cities ValleyCats take on the Oneonta Tigers. Why? Because SI’s Peter King is going to be throwing out the first pitch and hanging out with fans to talk about the upcoming season, along with a host of NFL experts including NFL.COM’s Adam Schefter, Sporting News’ Albert Breer, NY Giants radio voice Bob Papa and Redskins lineman Ross Tucker.
  • The CHICAGO TRIBUNE breathlessly reports that Jay Cutler completed his first 12 passes during 7-on-7 drills at camp yesterday. Although to be fair, Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman probably couldn’t complete 12 passes back and forth to each other.
  • PRO FOOTBALL TALK says Bengals QB Carson Palmer has missed the last two days of practice with flu-like symptoms. Let’s hope he didn’t catch swine flu from eating any undercooked wieners
  • Formula One driver Jensen Button spent part of his break from racing competing in the London Triathlon, where he set a personal best. I would have spent the time watching his girlfriend Jessica Michibata giving her personal best while modeling bikinis on a beach in Japan.
  • Samantha Thavasa

  • We told you last week about Andy Reid’s hellish training camps and love of full-contact drills. Turns out there’s a down side to that: two Eagles players left last night’s practice with injuries.
  • Letdown City: the rally car racing final at the X Games gets stopped halfway through when Travis Pastrana wrecks his car, handing the win to former Indy 500 winner Kenny Brack. To celebrate, Brack knocked back a tall glass of ice cold Red Bull and milk.
  • I guess you could say that the Red Sox’s trade for Victor Martinez has paid some early dividends: he went 5-for-6 in Boston’s 18-10 win over Baltimore. Too bad Clay Buchholz is still not very good at pitching to big league hitters.
  • Finally, BALL DON’T LIE has video of the cheap shot that Italy’s Stefano Mancinelli delivered to the back of Aaron Doornekamp’s head during a “friendly” international basketball game against Canada:

Which baseball intra-area rivalry is the real deal?

View Results

Stern: Mary Carey-Melky Cabrera Have Sex Tape

MARKS FRIGGIN reports that yesterday, sex-for-money performer Mary Carey appeared on Howard Stern.

Melky Cabrera-Mary Carey  Sex Tape

(Howard Stern claims he’s seen Cabrera, Carey having sex on video)

During the visit, Stern claimed that he saw a video of Carey having sex with Yankees outfielder Melky Cabrera. I wasn’t able to find any such production online, but I do remember seeing Carey in a vid a couple months ago - as she attemped to communicate with a shirtless Cabrera in a random hotel room. Hmmm.

Mary Carey Jason Smith

(Athletes having sex with Mary? Get on the back of the train)

So, did they indeed have sex?

Mary Carey Sixers

(See a pattern developing?)

And how did Cabrera, who speaks spare English, end up ensnarled with a porno parasite like Carey? (Video after the jump.)

Read more…

Could LeBron Become The MVP Of Pornography?

Let’s face it: LeBron James is at the level right now where unless his team takes the NBA Championship, his season is a bitter disappointment. With those epic expectations, the vast majority of his career will probably be a pressure-filled letdown. And who wants that? Especially when he can walk away from the court and instead lend his prodigious talents to the world of pornography instead.

LeBron and Gisele on Vogue
(Hey, this is a perfect fit! We’re sure Tom Brady won’t mind; it’s nothing new for Gisele.)

The IVY LEAGUE PORNOGRAPHER has done us the service of musing about whether LeBron would make a good - ahem - male lead. Everything’s SFW except for some sporadic language, but mind where you click out, y’know. So what’s his future going to be, Dirk Nowitzki or Dirk DigglerRead more…

Week In Review: Philadelphia Sports Full Of Boobs

• Philly sports: Where there’s boobs at courtside & boobs in the front office.

Mary Carey Sixers LARGE

• Was Tonya Harding’s hit on Nancy Kerrigan somehow financed by George Steinbrenner?

• Would you like to carry ESPN Radio shows? That will be $100,000, please. And don’t try to offset the funds with a softcore porn bracket contest.

• Maybe women’s college basketball should acknowledge the lesbian fanbase. Otherwise, why even bother playing anymore?

• These lovely lady lumberjacks are a cut above other beauty pageant gals.

Read more…

It Hurts Greg Oden To Be Hurt; USA A-OK In WBC

Greg Oden is on the shelf again with another injury, but what pains the Portland Blazers star more is the grief he’s getting from the fans.

greg oden depressed

• The Americans make it to the second round of the WBC. U-S-A! U-S-A!

• Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich ran out from the ruined Russian economy just in time.

Amos Zereoue: From Steelers RB to Manhattan bistro runner.

• Which video clip is cooler - a UFC fighter dropping an f-bomb, or a soccer fan having pseudo-sex with a sports reporter?

Read more…

Philadelphia 76ers Like Porn Stars With Big Jugs

Here’s some screen caps that were emailed to me a while back. They’re from the waning moments of Orlando’s 106-100 win over the Sixers at the Wachovia (What the hell is it now?) Center on Feb. 28.

Mary Carey Sixers

Yeah, it was a tough night for 76er Theo Ratliff that evening (0 points), but at least he was heartened by a possible postgame rendezvous at Bookbinders down on Walnut?

Mary Carey Sixers

Or was that a late check-in at the PHL Airport Sheraton?

I haven’t posted the screen grabs until now, as I was searching out the possible identity of the large-lunged lovely who caught Ratliff’s attention.

Her identity and more pics after the jump.

Read more…

Mary Carey’s Secret Sixers Sweetheart Revealed

• Turns out it was Jason Smith that was the anonymous Sixer who made merry with Mary Carey.

Jason Smtih Sixers Mary Carey

• Motorcross racer Sophia Paull is sure to rev some engines.

• Congraualtions, Larry Fitzgerald! You’re officially a proud papa!

• Here’s photographic proof that Michelle Wie & Robin Lopez are an item.

Read more…

Positive ID On Philly 76er ‘Attacked’ By Sex Worker

Thank god for the investigative journalism skills of Dan Gross of the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS. Yesterday, the NEW YORK POST reported on an anonymous Philly 76er who balloon-implanted sex worker Mary Careywrapped her legs around and made out with in front of clubgoers.

Mary Carey Jason Smith

It’s kinda embarrassing for said player, since Gross also reports that he said he was a “fan” of her movies and told her she was a “goddess.” Ugh. Read more…