‘12 Olympics Biggest Terror Threat ‘Since WWII’?

Amidst all the excitement over Rio de Janeiro’s shiny new Summer Olympics and the upcoming Vancouver Winter Games, it’s easy to lose track of another upcoming Olympiad: the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Well, London would like to remind you that yes, the city and its Olympics still exist; moreover, everyone in that city could be dead before the closing ceremonies.

London Aquatics Center
(The new London Aquatics Center - or, as security’s calling it, TOTAL OSAMA BAIT.)

It’s a strange sentiment; after all, London beat out such heavyweights as Moscow, New York City, Madrid, and Paris for the right to host the games; thus, you’d think officials would be, I dunno, excited? Quite the opposite, though; as a matter of fact, British security minister Alan West (no, not him) seems to think they’re putting the country in grave danger. No, we’re not exaggerating; he’s now calling it “possibly the greatest security challenge the U.K. has faced since the Second World War.”

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Olympian Lolo Jones’ Pic From ESPN ‘Body Issue’

More and more pictures are being leaked from ESPN THE MAGAZINE’s well-hyped “The Body Issue,” most notably cover models Gina Carano, Serena Williams, and amputee triathlete Sarah Reinertsen. And though the cleavage-heavy pictures of Carano and Williams (to say nothing of the heavy beefcake of Adrian Peterson and Dwight Howard) are certainly titillating, it seems that the magazine’s focus for the issue is going beyond mere cheap sex appeal.

Cropped Lolo Jones

That’s Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones, best known for being one hurdle away from gold in the Beijing Games. She’s also in the issue, and though she cuts a striking figure, we can’t put all of it above the fold for limited-buttcrack-related reasons. You can see her larger picture after the break. Her contribution to the issue, while not as high-profile as the cover athletes, has its own measure of controversy–not the least of which is the revelation about her weight. Looking at Jones’ gaunt face and lithe frame, what do you suppose it is?

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British Unfairly Ban Hot Caddies On Some Courses

Oh, so now that you’re getting the Olympics, EYE CANDY CADDIES aren’t good enough for you, eh, England? Hot girls distributing woods and putters are now culturally offensive? Come on Britain, when did you get so high and mighty? I’ve seen your tabloids; you’re not fooling anyone.

Ebony Gilbert, Amy Graham

(If Ebony Gilbert and Amy Graham can’t caddy, how will they make a living?)

A service that provides attractive girls to act as caddies for a day of golf (and nothing else!) is being banned by at least one string of golf courses in England because the girls “are not appropriate for a game that has been selected as an Olympic sport.” Bollocks!

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Can Al Roker Save The London Olympic Games?

Note to all nations playing host to the Summer Olympics in coming years: You cannot change the weather. We simply don’t possess the technology … just ask the 12 polar bears clinging to same small ice floe near the North Pole. But, damn it, they’re the British. They have to try.

Al Roker

We all watched with amusement at the Beijing Olympics when the Chinese seeded rain clouds with silver iodide pellets, trying to move the rain and help clear the smog. The British, actually, have no real plans to try and move clouds. Instead, they’re searching the world for a team of crack meteorologists so that they can predict the weather. I see no way this can fail! Read more…

Lakers Win! Let The Looting & Jackassery Begin!

• The Lakers fans’ celebration in downtown L.A. was a riot. No, seriously.

Hotties at Lakers fans postgame riot at Staples Center

(These Lucky Strike lasses are wanted for questioning. They didn’t do anything wrong - we’re just looking for an excuse to talk to them.)

• Among those witnessing Kobe’s non-Shaq title triumph was Chris Brown & Rihanna - along with a fake Rihanna.

• With his 10th NBA title ring, Phil Jackson should finally call it a career - at least according to Charles Barkley.

• Now that the NBA & NHL seasons are finally over, we can turn our attention to the titles that really matter: the World Air Sex Championships.

• In a recent photoshoot, Anna Kournikova shows she’s still A-OK.

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The Road To London 2012 Is Paved With … Skulls?

As we all learned in “Poltergeist,” you don’t build on a site that was once a sacred burial ground: Unpleasant things tend to happen. So that’s why I’m skipping the 2012 Summer Olympics. Bad omens abound.

Skulls

Workers building a road southwest of London for the Olympic Games recently unearthed what you should never have to deal with unless you’re getting overtime: A burial pit containing 45 severed skulls. CSI Ipswich was not called however; it is believed to be an ancient mass war grave dating to Roman times. Read more…

Brit Banned From Boxing Because Of Fake Boobs

There are plenty of good reasons for a boxer to be banned from the ring. Maybe you have AIDS like Tommy Morrison, and you are therefore a risk of infecting other boxers. Maybe you’re Mike Tyson and since you’ve already tried to bite somebody’s ear off, have that whole rape conviction, and are generally starting to suck anyway, various boxing federations just don’t want you. One reason you should never be barred from boxing, though, is because you have breast implants.

Sarah Blewden

That’s exactly what’s happening to Sarah Blewden, who has been told by the Amateur Boxing Association of England that she will not be allowed to compete for the country’s 2016 Olympic team because of her fake breasts. Not because they put other boxers at risk, but because international rules bar anyone with them from competing because repeated punches to the body could deform the implants and breast tissue surrounding them. All of which Blewden thinks is bollocks.

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Phelps Gets Motivated; Glenn Gets All Messed Up

Michael Phelps - from marijuana smoker to motivational speaker. Maybe he can motivate himself not to skip the 2012 Olympics.

Michael Phelps Terry Glenn

• And Mike should have a talk with Terry Glenn, the ex-Dallas Cowboy who was taken in for wandering high & naked through the halls of a hotel.

• As if sports agents weren’t sleazy enough, now they’re getting caught collecting child porn.

LeBron James doubles his pleasure & triples his fun by going off in a 52-point performance at MSG Wednesday night.

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Stalkerazzi Media Makes Phelps Want To Skip 2012

There would be something intensely ironic, naive, and shortsighted about a site like SbB complaining about a free press exercising its First Amendment rights. That they are able to make their own editorial choices and cover whatever story they see fit is a strength of America and other open democracies. That said, sometimes they make bad choices, and it’s usually when every other news agency is making the exact same choice. Like, say, the media firestorm over a certain picture.

michael phelps bong
(This picture, to be precise.)

That’s Michael Phelps, as you well know by now, and whenever the biggest Olympic star in the history of the Olympics is caught using illegal drugs, it tends to attract attention. A lot of attention. So much attention that, according to the BALTIMORE SUN, he might skip the 2012 Olympics:

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Pole Dancing Mormons Make Push For Olympics

When we last saw the Mormons, they were attempting to murder love. Having succeeded on that, they’ve apparently moved on to more pressing concerns: getting pole dancing into the Olympics.

Pole Dancing Mormons

From CBS 2 in Salt Lake City comes this report of the newest craze to sweep Utah: pole dancing for fitness. If you remember this fad being big a few years ago, you’re right; I like to picture Utah kind of like the Middle East, where it takes about 20 years for pop culture to spread. The new Pat Benatar cassettes are just hitting Tehran now. (Video of Mormon housewives in spandex, at your own risk, after the jump.) Read more…