The Blind’s Side: Irony Lost On Lingerie Lineman

Thanks to the FT. MYERS NEWS-PRESS, we have our first confirmed Lingerie Football League MILF: Tampa Breeze lineman Carie Small.

Carie Small Photo

(She goes both ways. In the game. On the line. Nevermind.)

Mother of a nine-year-old son, irony takes a standing-eight in the opening round of her N-P profile:

“People first think that this is just powder puff football with a bunch of models running around in lingerie. That’s not what it’s about. The girls on my team and all across the league are athletes. We take it seriously. We work really, really hard and everybody has real jobs and real careers.

We don’t walk around and say we play in the Lingerie Football League. We leave that out. We say we play in the LFL.”

Funny, I call it by an acronym too: ANFL (Accidental Nudity Football League.)

Carie Small Photo

Speaking of that, Small gives us a team injury report:

“We don’t wear any padding in our torso area. One of my teammates has a separated hip right now.”

And you thought that injury was only relegated to the OFL. (Octogenarian Football League.)

Small, who is also a nursing student, admits that semi-nude football isn’t for everyone:

“Well, women are a little bit objectified. My grandmother has some issues but my family, they’ve supported me playing sports my whole life. They don’t have a problem.”

So Granny’s no longer a member of her family because she doesn’t approve of Small’s softcore endeavor? Nothing a roofie-infused night out with Joe Francis won’t cure. (Just stay away from state lines Granny!)

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‘Accidental Nudity Football League’ Much Catchier

TheSmokingGun.com has a delightful update on Mitch Mortaza, the former Blind Date contestant (RAZOR!) attempting to maintain personal access to semi-nude hotties keep the Lingerie Football League afloat.

Lingerie Football League Accidental Nudity

TSG, which notes Mortaza as having a “rap sheet (that) includes drunk driving and public intoxication arrests,” has “repeatedly threatened legal action when players have complained (or simply inquired) about health coverage and wages.

Mitch Mortaza On Blind Date

(Mortaza: Football League Commissioner, Toe Ring Fetishist)

Sample of Mortaza’s subtle, legal approach: “Simply SHUT UP and play football.

Now I was always under the impression that the only reason the Lingerie League existed was as Mortaza’s own personal dating service. But I was wrong. Thanks to a standard player contract obtained by TSG, turns out the league really exists for one reason only: “Accidental Nudity.”

Lingerie Football League Accidental Nudity

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Your San Diego Seduction Lube Is On Backorder

Like you, my appointed, online daily rounds always include perusing the Lingerie Football League’s official website. (LFLUS.com - how catchy) From that today, I’m happy to report that no more games have been postponed (without telling anybody), but I’m a little perplexed about the league’s merchandise situation.

Lingerie Football League Runs Out Of Merchandise

(Yep, even the officially licensed, LFL-branded Horny Goat Weed)

So we’re six weeks into the inaugural season and the league has already sold out of everything? Sold out so fast that they haven’t yet had time to replace anything? Congratulations Razor!

‘Postponed’ Game The End For Lingerie Football?

If you followed my coverage of the Lingerie Football League, you know that the entire concept was invented by founder (and Blind Date refugee) Mitch Mortaza to help him meet women. That’s what’s made the main media’s serious coverage of the sport so amusing and somewhat perplexing over the years. But sadly, the chance for reporters to score wardrobe malfunction watch appears to finally be coming to an end.

Lingerie Football League Michelle Sotak From Behind

(Lingerie Football End Near? Yes please.)

Last Tuesday the game between the Chicago Bliss and the New York Majesty was “postponed” for six(!) weeks because of “issues with New York’s facility.”

Lingerie Football League $272 for two tickets?!

(Ticket sales ($272 for two!), or lack thereof to blame for postponement?)

Will you miss Lingerie Football?

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Week In Review: Shawne & Tila Get All Choked Up

Shawne Merriman & Tila Tequila have had quite the memorable week, haven’t they?

Shawne Merriman Tila Tequila

• Bengals QB Carson Palmer is worried that someone’s going to die in the NFL. Meanwhile, other Bengals QB Jordan Palmer has no worries about big brother’s USC squad beating the Buckeyes.

• Sounds like Danica Patrick will be racing over to NASCAR next year.

Melanie Oudin had a great run at the US Open, although she could have done without the hotel eviction & her parents’ impending divorce.

• In the meantime, Novak Djokovic entertains the Flushing Meadows fans with his impression of John McEnroe - only to have the real deal come down & serve the Serb a lesson in an impromptu match.

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Shocking Charges Of Bra-Ripping Mar LFL Opener

If you read our post on Tuesday on the Lingerie Football League opener in Chicago, or better yet if you attended, you know that at least one player was tackled by her panties and, at least for a moment, lay pantsless on the playing field. But it turns out that was apparently only the tip of the iceberg.

According to one player on the losing team, the Miami Caliente, members of the Chicago Bliss were routinely using dirty tactics, including elbow gouging and bra ripping. (Gasp) I don’t have any actual photos of the latter (at least none I’ll share), but she swears it’s true. Chicago chicks play dirty.

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Lingerie Football League Opener Is Quite Revealing

At least on the surface of things, Friday’s Lingerie Football League season opener wasn’t a rousing success. They were only able to fill about a quarter of the Sears Centre, according to one eyewitness, for the game between the Miami Caliente and the home Chicago Bliss. This despite the fact that there were several wardrobe malfunctions such as this. Heavens!

People didn’t even show up for all of the gratuitous Mike Ditka. When you can’t get Chicagoans to go out to see Ditka and scantily clad hot football chicks, your league may have a problem. One winner, however, was the CHICAGO TRIBUNE, which for some reason sent a photographer to the game and produced an elaborate photo gallery on their web site. Hey, Sam Zell needs the page views. Read more…

Speed Read: Cable Doesn’t KO Punch-Up Rumors

The Oakland Raiders: they put the “Holy crap, Coach just slugged an assistant!” in “dysfunction.” At least, we’ll have to assume that’s what happened, as Raiders head coach Tom Cable (who is not, by the way, in way over his head) didn’t do much to clarify reports that he broke the jaw of defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson with a sucker punch, with his only response being that “it’s an internal issue and we’re dealing with it, and that’s all I’m going to say.”

Tom Cable, Randy Hanson

That sure didn’t sound like a denial, and “dealing with it” sure seems like code for “I’m going to use a tire iron to cave in the head of the next pipsqueak who asks me about this.” The Raiders are becoming more like a sitcom every day. Sort of like “Coach“, but with less physical comedy and more physical assault.

Cast of Coach

 (Remember when Hayden Fox crushed Luther’s jaw with a punch? Me either.)

(Although I do love the episode where Coach smashed in Dauber’s face with a beer bottle after he lost the playbook right before the big game in a wacky mix-up.)

If Cable (who is totally qualified to be an NFL head coach and has the winning demeanor of a John Madden or Curly Lambeau) wasn’t admitting to anything on Monday, then at least his players were rolling over on him, starting a “Cable, Bumaye” chant during practice to mimic the cheers Muhammad Ali got from the African people before the “Rumble in the Jungle.”

And about Hanson: Raiders fans might remember, he’s the same coach that irritated Lane Kiffin so much that he “suspended him for one game, said he had medical issues and then tried to fire him” before Al Davis stepped in and backed Hanson, who apparently is one of his favorites. So Cable (who is not treading so much water that the band from “Titanic” is standing by) probably picked the worst person in the organization to slug except for Davis himself.

(Also, you have to wonder if one of those “medical conditions” that Kiffin tried to use to fire Hanson was a “permanent glass jaw”…)

Meanwhile, Beano Cook thinks that Syracuse should get a spot ready for another Heisman Trophy to go along with those representing Jim Brown and Ernie Davis. After all, if they found a way to get Ron Powlus back at QB, anything is possible. Of course, Beano Cook is a rambling old man, the kind who holds up the line at the supermarket so he can check every item on the receipt for errors.

greg paulus qb

So no, Syracuse didn’t get “Heisman” Powlus into their football program, but it’s close: they announced yesterday that former Duke point guard Greg Paulus will be the starting QB for their opening game against Minnesota. It’s either a testament to the athletic ability of Paulus - who hasn’t played football since high school but was once the Gatorade National Player of the Year - or the sorry state of Syracuse football that someone who has been out of the game for years is their best bet. I won’t say which one, but merely point out that Syracuse was 3-25 in the Big East the last four years.

Finally, let’s see…former WWE champion decides to become an MMA fighter. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. But this time we aren’t talking about a UFC heavyweight champion/Coors aficionado, but a new possible women’s MMA star. The DAYTON DAILY NEWS says that Lisa Marie Varon, who wrestled until recently in the WWE as Victoria, has been training for nearly a year and is ready to make her MMA debut soon.

Victoria

On the positive side, Varon is a former bodybuilding and fitness model who was one of the most physical women’s wrestlers, and she is working with former UFC champ Rich Franklin’s trainer. The downsides are that she is 38, and has almost no fighting experience.

Victoria

Still, she apparently is quite serious about this, and wants to become a part of the Strikeforce women’s division. While she might not talented enough to rival Christiane “Cyborg” Santos, I think we can agree that seeing Varon take on Gina Carano would be a much more attractive match-up.

In other sports news that you might have missed while celebrating the fact that The Kids In The Hall are getting back together for a TV project:

  • No matter what, Scott Boras always wins. This time it was getting a last-minute deal done between the Washington Nationals and his client, No. 1 draft pick Stephen Strasburg. The price tag? Just a cool four years and $15 million - almost double what the Cubs signed Mark Prior for in 2001 in what had been the previous largest contract for a draft pick.
  • The NEW YORK TIMES wonders if Y.E. Yang’s shocking victory over Tiger Woods in the PGA Championship will start a golfing boom in Asia that could help the PGA Tour. Because that’s worked so well for the LPGA…
  • Speaking of which, CNBC’s Darren Rovell says that other than Yang, the biggest winner on Sunday might have been Le Coq Sportif, the clothing line whose red rooster logo got almost $2 million of free air time during final round coverage.
  • The Lingerie Football League has released its preseason “All Fantasy Team“, but BUSTED COVERAGE wants to know if you should be more insulted to be a third-team offensive lineman or first-team offensive lineman.
  • Stephen Good might be the starting right guard for the Oklahoma Sooners, but EVERY DAY SHOULD BE SATURDAY says there’s one thing that terrifies him more than losing to Texas: Clowns, especially Pennywise from “It”. No word on if he wet the bed when Bozo the Clown came on as a kid.
  • Sad news from the CHARLOTTE OBSERVER: former North Carolina State LB Edrick Smith was killed early Sunday morning when a hit-and-run drunk driver smashed into the Honda Accord he was in, splitting it in two.
  • NEWSOK.COM says that Oklahoma All-American TE Jermaine Gresham broke his vow of media silence last Friday … to give a “shout out” to Michael Vick for being signed by the Eagles. Also, he gave “mad props” to attempted Presidential assassin/Manson Family member Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme for being released from prison.
  • Great, another “Polish canoeist goes nuts on the way to World Championships and forces plane into emergency landing” story.
  • Two men from Honolulu were arrested in Las Vegas for having pot in their car after leading police on a short chase. Not much of a story, until you realize that the men were Honolulu cops in Nevada to play on a softball team in the Nevada Police & Fire Games. Needless to say, Dano has already booked them, and then beat them for being so stupid.
  • This might be a bit more than gamesmanship: a top British rugby team was having players use fake blood so they could substitute in better kickers during key stages of games.

What’s your favorite moment of coaching violence (real or threatened)?

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Week In Review: No Steroids in MLB, Why Watch?

• Major League Baseball without steroids is like porn without the silicone.

Monster Implants In Porn Like Steroids In Baseball

Just don’t blog about the subject with Raul Ibanez.

Rodney Harrison doesn’t like how the NFL has become “soft and pansy“.

• A Fox News morning show lambasts MTV for Bruno’s ass-ault on Eminem - then does a segment with a Fox reporter doing basically the same thing to a lingerie football player.

Tim Floyd takes off from the Trojans. What, and leave the Song Girls?

• Soon-to-be newlyweds Kendra Wilkinson & Eagles WR Hank Baskett are expecting a baby. On the other side of the spectrum, Barry Bonds’ wife demands a divorce.

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NBC Ices Stanley Cup Viewings @ Det, Pitt Arenas

• NBC puts a stop to Stanley Cup Finals viewings at the Joe Louis & Mellon Arenas - because it’s shaving nearly a point off of their local Nielsen ratings.

Red Wings Penguins

• Deadline? The Vikings never said anything about a Brett Favre deadline.

• Nice to see Ozzie Guillen back in ranting ‘n’ raving form.

• Don’t worry, Barry Bonds, at least your wife still supports you through these troubles times. Um, OK, maybe not.

• Oh boy! The MLB Draft is on TV tonight! It’s not like there’s anything else on worth watching.

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