The Blind’s Side: Irony Lost On Lingerie Lineman

Thanks to the FT. MYERS NEWS-PRESS, we have our first confirmed Lingerie Football League MILF: Tampa Breeze lineman Carie Small.

Carie Small Photo

(She goes both ways. In the game. On the line. Nevermind.)

Mother of a nine-year-old son, irony takes a standing-eight in the opening round of her N-P profile:

“People first think that this is just powder puff football with a bunch of models running around in lingerie. That’s not what it’s about. The girls on my team and all across the league are athletes. We take it seriously. We work really, really hard and everybody has real jobs and real careers.

We don’t walk around and say we play in the Lingerie Football League. We leave that out. We say we play in the LFL.”

Funny, I call it by an acronym too: ANFL (Accidental Nudity Football League.)

Carie Small Photo

Speaking of that, Small gives us a team injury report:

“We don’t wear any padding in our torso area. One of my teammates has a separated hip right now.”

And you thought that injury was only relegated to the OFL. (Octogenarian Football League.)

Small, who is also a nursing student, admits that semi-nude football isn’t for everyone:

“Well, women are a little bit objectified. My grandmother has some issues but my family, they’ve supported me playing sports my whole life. They don’t have a problem.”

So Granny’s no longer a member of her family because she doesn’t approve of Small’s softcore endeavor? Nothing a roofie-infused night out with Joe Francis won’t cure. (Just stay away from state lines Granny!)

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‘Accidental Nudity Football League’ Much Catchier

TheSmokingGun.com has a delightful update on Mitch Mortaza, the former Blind Date contestant (RAZOR!) attempting to maintain personal access to semi-nude hotties keep the Lingerie Football League afloat.

Lingerie Football League Accidental Nudity

TSG, which notes Mortaza as having a “rap sheet (that) includes drunk driving and public intoxication arrests,” has “repeatedly threatened legal action when players have complained (or simply inquired) about health coverage and wages.

Mitch Mortaza On Blind Date

(Mortaza: Football League Commissioner, Toe Ring Fetishist)

Sample of Mortaza’s subtle, legal approach: “Simply SHUT UP and play football.

Now I was always under the impression that the only reason the Lingerie League existed was as Mortaza’s own personal dating service. But I was wrong. Thanks to a standard player contract obtained by TSG, turns out the league really exists for one reason only: “Accidental Nudity.”

Lingerie Football League Accidental Nudity

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Your San Diego Seduction Lube Is On Backorder

Like you, my appointed, online daily rounds always include perusing the Lingerie Football League’s official website. (LFLUS.com - how catchy) From that today, I’m happy to report that no more games have been postponed (without telling anybody), but I’m a little perplexed about the league’s merchandise situation.

Lingerie Football League Runs Out Of Merchandise

(Yep, even the officially licensed, LFL-branded Horny Goat Weed)

So we’re six weeks into the inaugural season and the league has already sold out of everything? Sold out so fast that they haven’t yet had time to replace anything? Congratulations Razor!

‘Postponed’ Game The End For Lingerie Football?

If you followed my coverage of the Lingerie Football League, you know that the entire concept was invented by founder (and Blind Date refugee) Mitch Mortaza to help him meet women. That’s what’s made the main media’s serious coverage of the sport so amusing and somewhat perplexing over the years. But sadly, the chance for reporters to score wardrobe malfunction watch appears to finally be coming to an end.

Lingerie Football League Michelle Sotak From Behind

(Lingerie Football End Near? Yes please.)

Last Tuesday the game between the Chicago Bliss and the New York Majesty was “postponed” for six(!) weeks because of “issues with New York’s facility.”

Lingerie Football League $272 for two tickets?!

(Ticket sales ($272 for two!), or lack thereof to blame for postponement?)

Will you miss Lingerie Football?

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Shocking Charges Of Bra-Ripping Mar LFL Opener

If you read our post on Tuesday on the Lingerie Football League opener in Chicago, or better yet if you attended, you know that at least one player was tackled by her panties and, at least for a moment, lay pantsless on the playing field. But it turns out that was apparently only the tip of the iceberg.

According to one player on the losing team, the Miami Caliente, members of the Chicago Bliss were routinely using dirty tactics, including elbow gouging and bra ripping. (Gasp) I don’t have any actual photos of the latter (at least none I’ll share), but she swears it’s true. Chicago chicks play dirty.

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Novak Mimicks McEnroe, Tennis Match Breaks Out

Novak Djokovic delights the Monday night US Open crowd with his manic impression of John McEnroe - only to have Mac come down & reclaim his honor in an impromptu tennis match.

John McEnroe Novak Djokovic

• A Kansas community is burned by the cold-hearted hazing of a high school football player slathered in Icy Hot.

• Kentucky fans are fuming at John Calipari because their coach dared send a Wildcats jersey to President Obama.

• A whole lotta football kicked off this weekend - even the lingerie variety.

• Ex-Notre Dame QB Blair Kiel is arrested after going on a drunken warpath at an Indianapolis Indians minor league game.

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Lingerie Football’s New Sugar Daddy: Mike Ditka?

When we last left the Lingerie Football League, they were being bankrolled by Mitch Mortaza, a man of questionable tact who seemed to be primarily interested in being their sugar daddy so he could, y’know, spend time with hot women. Hardly a novel idea, of course, but you don’t normally see it manifested on so large a scale.

Ricky Williams Mike Ditka
(No doubt, Ditka’s just trying to recreate the magic from 10 years ago. It’s never the same the second time around, Mike.)

But that many women can’t be contented with just one sugar daddy, try as he may, and there’s certainly no shortage of old men with tons more money than shame. So it should come as no surprise that someone who famously endorsed a boner pill should be the next high-profile investor in lingerie football. Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Ditka!

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HemiGirl Resigns From Lingerie Football League!

Lost amidst all of this recent Brett Favre news is the sudden retirement of a quarterback which actually interests me. Sadly, the New York Majesty will be without their projected starting quarterback, Melissa Anne Teixeira (also known as HemiGirl) in its upcoming Lingerie Football League season.

Heimi Girl and Tony Siragusa

Miss Teixeira, you see, is from Massachusetts, and had been scheduled to play for the New England Euphoria. But the LFL wanted her to transfer to New York. No go. (In case this photo of her with Tony Siragusa doesn’t appeal to you, there’s plenty more of her without Tony after the jump).

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Lingerie Bowl Founder Dude Loves His Toe Rings

I’m the first to admit that I’ve used SbB as a vehicle over the years to meet hot girls. Overused is more like it. But I’m put to shame by a guy named Mitch Mortaza.

Mitch Mortaza On Blind Date

(Before They Were Famous: Geico caveman on Blind Date!)

Mortaza, who claims to run a full-fledged Hollywood talent agency that looks more like an empty storefront, is the man who created lingerie football. The initial game, in 2004, was sold as pay-per-view event opposite Super Bowl halftime, and thanks to an insane amount of media coverage, you probably remember it. (But if you actually paid to see the *game*, you’d most like to forget it.)

In the run up to that first event, provocative ads fished for PPV buys by depicting the girls in outfits right off the Spearmint Rhino rack. But the actual production turned out to be women flailing around a football field wearing undergarments that looked more Lane Bryant than lustful football fairy. (We’ll have to settle for Jeff Reed instead.)

Mitch Mortaza Lingerie Bowl Fake Outfits

(Kickoff promo: Fans get free postgame one-way mirror tokens?)

More recently, Mortaza has made subsequent, unsuccessful attempts to stage more *games* and even gone so far as to propose a lingerie football league. If you read this site, you’ve probably seen all the gratuitous local news footage of tryouts for the league around the country. (Like I’m complaining.)

I have though done my best to ignore the whole thing, as Mortaza appeared to me as just another shameless publicity hound hawking a fake product. That is, until I saw him on CNBC this week selling his concept as a legitimate business and claiming that NFL owners wanted to buy into his *league*. (OK, maybe Jer is interested.)

Will the Lingerie Football League Ever Play A Game?

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That had me wondering why Mortaza continues to push his failed venture year after year. What could possibly be driving him in his ultimately futile quest? Doesn’t Mortaza have any respect for himself?

Actually, no. Just google him.

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Florida’s Other Lingerie FB Team Also Has Tryouts

On Tuesday, we reported on the tryouts for the Miami Caliente, one of the upstart teams of the new Lingerie Football League. In the interest of fair reporting and journalistic integrity, we really should also take a look at the Sunshine State’s other lingerie football franchise, the Tampa Breeze.

Tampa Breeze lingerie football

(Now this is a team we can get behind)

TAMPA BAY ONLINE hikes along news that over 100 women showed up outside the St. Pete Times Forum on Tuesday to try and wrangle a roster spot onto the Tampa team. And we have some action shots of the gridiron goings-on after the jump.

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