Texas DE Turns Co-Ed’s Bedroom Into Drive-Thru

Sergio Kindle is many things. He’s a Texas Longhorn, a defensive end, a linebacker, and an All-Conference player. He’s also the inventor and namesake of Amazon’s Kindle device [Oh for crying out loud, no he isn’t!–ed.] [Hang on, I’m turning a beautiful segue here.] [That doesn’t mean you can just flat-out lie.–ed] [Watch me.], so you’d think he would be as much an expert on using portable electronics safely.

Car go flying
(The most amazing part? Her bedroom was on the third floor! Okay, no it wasn’t.)

Oh, but you’d think wrong, considering the epic multitasking fail Kindle just executed last week. While driving through the West Campus district of Austin in the early morning hours of Wednesday, Kindle decided that he needed to send a text message to a friend. Or, we suppose, an enemy. We weren’t in the car with him or anything. Whatever the message was, it was significantly engrossing that Kindle apparently careened into an apartment building, according to BARKING CARNIVAL. And then things got weird.

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Bus Topples With Soccer Team On Top (w/ Video)

Brazilian soccer club Sertaozinho needed to celebrate, having just won promotion. Ticker tape parades being the logistical nightmares they are, off the players went on top of a sound truck through the city streets. Their only restraints were some side rails, a detail that never comes up unless something terrible happens.

(Shirtless Guy Who Doesn’t Even Flinch At The Crash, you are the runaway winner of the Creepiest Detail Award. Please accept your trophy in my nightmares.)

Surprisingly, putting over a ton of weight at the very top of a large vehicle tends to skew its center of gravity. Surprisinglier, the roads aren’t perfect in Sao Paulo. Surprisingliest, one dip in the road and the entire team was thrown off the top of the bus.

(Video of the Brazilian bus plunge after the break.)   Read more…

The Picks Of The 2009 Draft: QBs, Heyward-Bey

Let’s be clear right now - nobody would watch the NFL draft if every team drafted wisely. Just like car racing is only good for the crashes, which is unimpeachable fact, people really watch the draft for the lousy picks, the ones that leave the fans at Radio City agape in disbelief.

Jets Fans Draft
(Yes, howl in anger. Howl for my amusement.)

In that sense, then, our hats are off to Oakland, who just selected Darrius Heyward-Bey, a Maryland speedster who nobody figured was a top 10 talent. While he was still projected as a first-round pick, he was in no way the top WR on the board - that’d have been Michael Crabtree, who’ll be able to thumb his nose from San Francisco across the bay at the Raiders for years to come. Heyward-Bey, while supremely athletic, possesses all the qualities that add up to “epic WR bust,” mainly a lack of production in college, an inability to run a crisp route, and hands of stone. So he can’t run a decent square in, nor would he be able to catch it anyway. Sign that man!

Al Davis, who is a total cancer on his own team, wasn’t done wrecking the franchise once again. Read more…

Daniel Snyder’s Six Flags Gets Delisted by NYSE

Times is tough. We all know it. And when the recession is hitting the economy so hard that the most famous amusement park chain in the country might go into bankruptcy proceedings, it’s a dark day. We can’t even sell fun, people! Sad faces everywhere.

Abandoned Roller Coaster
(Snyder quickly offered the roller coaster $40 million over 6 years.)

And so with a stock price well under a quarter, Six Flags is suspended from trading at the New York Stock Exchange, according to the LA TIMES. Incidentally, the Chairman of the Board at Six Flags is one Daniel Snyder, the owner of the Washington Redskins. Should bankruptcy be the call, Snyder’s stake in the company will probably be wiped out, which can’t be good news for the ‘Skins - how good do you think Clinton Portis is feeling about that deferred compensation now?

But there’s a deeper sports connection here, one that’s far more unsettling and unfair. Because according to BLOOMBERG, while shareholders are getting taken to the cleaners, the CEO - a former sports figure - is set to collect a handsome sum of money from the proceedings under an apparently unironically-named “success bonus”: Read more…

Brian Sutherland Is… MULLETBOXER (with Video)

Okay, time to play a guessing game. I’m thinking of a former athlete. No, it’s not Kent Tekulve. Let me get to the other clues before you guess anymore. Anyway, this guy has a raging mullet, a ladyslayer of a moustache, he packs hot fire in his right arm… and he hails from Shelby, North Carolina. Oh, it must be Kenny Powers from HBO’s hit comedy Eastbound and Down, right?

Brian Sutherland

WRONG, BITCHES! As the graphic shows, that’s Shelby’s true favorite son, Brian Sutherland. As you can see, he’s getting ready for his professional debut, this bout coming against some Kenny Rainford dude from Liverpool. Sutherland’s got a rather, um, unorthodox fighting style, one that the world of boxing had never seen before, and may never see again. Video is after the break; ladies, have a fainting couch at the ready, because you will undoubtedly swoon and climax at the same time.

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Soccer Team Unveils New Jerseys, Hilarity Ensues

The main reason any team decides to introduce a new line of jerseys is usually financial-related: They want fans to purchase yet another version of the team’s apparel to show their spirit. As such, the unveiling of a new line is a big deal for the promotions department. And sometimes, well, they take things a bit too far.

Epic fail, soccer style

The Bayern Munich soccer team, for example, staged one of the most elaborate and unintentionally hilarious productions of all time.

The video, guaranteed to be the most amazing series of images you’ll view in the next 10 minutes, is after the jump. Keep in mind, somebody thought this was a good idea.

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