Daulton’s Post Game Show: Low And Outside

Let’s go to the postgame highlight of the MLB playoffs so far, courtesy CSN Philly:

Darren Daulton not wearing pants on CSN Philly

Darren Daulton seen leaving making his mark on the Philly sports media scene.

McGwire Critics: Stop Masturbating To Porn First!

Finally we get some proper context on the Mark McGwire steroids *confession*, from Dutch Daulton (via Landon Evanson at BugsandCranks.com):

I always thought the whole thing was pretty comical. I think it gives a real good pulse of the American people and what we perceive as this big military, industrial, world-wide, number-one country that presented itself in a manner that turned on one of their own and just really collapsed like a house of cards.

Darren Daulton Was Married To Hooter Girl And Playboy Model Lynne Austin

(No argument here, dude was married to porn)

I mean, if I was a foreign country and wanted to take over this country, I’d get a prescription for steroids and stand at the border and wave them, and then watch the American people fold.

I thought it was pretty comical, it seemed like there were 250 million victims out there, so that was the comical part. I think it was all just useless, but it did give us a pretty good read on what our society is like.

Q: Do you have any comments on rumors that former teammates Dykstra and Dave Hollins used them?

No. Heck, no, I could care less, there are a lot more important things in the world, and again, this is useless information. What does it do? What has all of this done? Finding out whether or not a guy does steroids or not, I could never understand this. There are a lot of things that a lot of people do behind closed doors that they probably don’t want the public to know about.

Whether you’re cheating on your wife, your husband, or you’re doing drugs, you don’t want your boss to know about something, you’re hiding something from somebody, or you’re watching porn and you’re masturbating.

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1.21 Gigowatts! Mickelson Believes In Time Travel

The dream is always the same: Phil Mickelson and Darren Daulton are both rushing to appointments in another dimension/decade. Attempting to pass Daulton’s Astral Time Buggy, Mickelson hits his left front fender, causing them to both spin out and crash into a ditch. Cursing ensues (involving real curses), then an exchange of license information as curious dinosaurs look on from the treeline. I awake in a cold sweat.

Phil Mickelson

If you though Daulton was out there, well, he is. But if this blog account can be believed, golfer Mickelson has his own, um, out-of-the-mainstream beliefs on the nature of linear time. Apparently Mickelson told fellow PGA professional Brandt Snedeker that he believes in time travel.

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Financial Superguru Dykstra Files For Bankruptcy

Well, well. Here we are. Mr. Lenny Dykstra, the man who famously claims to be undefeated or something in stock investing, has filed for bankruptcy (Darren Daulton saw this coming, as with all other things). Bankrupt, man. Just imagine if Dykstra’s stock picks had turned out poorly.

Lenny Dykstra and Jim Cramer
(Lookin’ good, gettin’ shoulder squeezes. What could go wrong?)

Yes, it’s more than a bit mean-spirited to delight in the complete financial failure of a stranger, even a famous one, so let’s point out that the world would be a better place if he and everybody else were in better financial shape. We can all agree on that, right? Okay, good. That said, Dykstra’s bankruptcy signals the end of one of the most noxiously overconfident reigns in the hypersensationalized world of early-decade financial management. Thank God.

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Ultimate Warrior Goes Wacko On The Late Jacko

• The Ultimate Warrior is nice enough to add his two ultimate cents on the dearly departed Michael Jackson.

Ultimate Warrior Michael Jackson

Christian Laettner is being sued by Shawne Merriman. CL better get a good lawyer and an even better bodyguard.

• A Texas Longhorns lineman learns the hard way why you shouldn’t text & drive by plowing into a co-ed’s apartment.

• An Aussie rugby coach is serious enough about drunken behavior on his team that he fines himself $10,000 for stumbling into the wrong hotel room.

Larry Johnson shows he can treat the ladies right by buying some gals in Vegas a really big champagne bottle.

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Darren Daulton Has Done More Drugs Than You

Since the Day of Reckoning is going to be here pretty soon (Dec. 21, 2012 to be exact), Darren Daulton figures there’s a few loose ends he’d like to take care of. For instance, if you’re a professional athlete and you think you’ve done a lot of drugs, think again. Dutch would like you to know that he’s probably done more.

Darren Daulton

You’re most likely aware by now that the former Phillie is several very special varieties of crazy. My favorite is the time that he told Philadelphia Comcast that he talks to lizards:

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Blog Jam: Rick Reilly Ready To Ramble For ESPN

• DEADSPIN is all excited to see Rick Reilly finally make his big debut for the Worldwide Leader.

Rick Reilly

• USA TODAY’s GAME ON is rooting for Lindsay Payne, as the swimmer is hoping to go from cancer survivor to Olympic participant.

• HUGGING HAROLD REYNOLDS is entranced by a spirited Darren Daulton, as the ex-Phillies pitcher talks about his belief in metaphysics.

• Now that the NBA will soon fine floppers, NE PATRIOTS DRAFT lists some NFL actions that should result in the poaching of player paychecks.

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