Paris Hilton: ‘I Paid For Cristiano Voodoo Curse’

In our last episode, Pepe the Witch, a sorcerer from the Málaga Province in Spain, announced that he had placed a voodoo curse in Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo that was responsible for the soccer star’s recent ankle injury. But why would Pepe do such a thing? He’s always been a benevolent witch, using his powers mostly for good; except occasionally getting women’s dresses to fly up as they walk by.

Cristiano Ronaldo, Paris Hilton

Someone paid him to do it, said Pepe. And that someone? Paris Hilton, Cristiano’s “jilted lover” who — according to Pepe — took a voodoo doll of Ronaldo and “stabbed him in the spine.” Results, presumably, above.

But there’s more to this tale; apparently Pepe’s curse went much deeper than a foot injury. And sadly, it affects us all. The horrifying result of the voodoo curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, following the jump. Read more…

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Soccer Ex-WAG Scorned

Cristiano Ronaldo is a very rich man. He’s the highest-paid soccer player in the land, as a matter of fact, so you can just imagine what kind of women he’s able to attract.

Nereida Gallardo
(Yes, please.)

One of them is Nereida Gallardo, pictured above in her eternal struggle to find a shirt that’ll fit. But the two were seen fighting inside a nightclub recently, and the split was on. Unfortunately for Ronaldo, Gallardo has no qualms with revealing every single unflattering detail about their sex life on Spanish television. Oh, it got bad.

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Ferrari Guy Is Here To Rock Chicago’s Socks Off

Attention, citizens of Chicago. It’s a Friday, so that means you’ve got a beautiful summer weekend in front of you. But it’s going to be hot, low 90s both days, so that means it’s perfect weather for… oh, we don’t know… driving around in a convertible with the top down. And holy God have we ever got the perfect candidate for doing just that: Ferrari Guy.

Ferrari Guy small
(Ferrari Guy doesn’t need a shirt to rock, and neither do you!)

We swear to God this is true. Ferrari Guy is for hire in the greater Chicago area, and you can surmises exactly what it is he does: he drives people around in his Ferrari. No, check that; he drives one person around in his Ferrari. You think Ferrari Guy plays fast and loose with safety? Forget it!

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Speed Read: Did Mayweather Beat Female Boxer?

When the cops come to your house, it doesn’t look good when they find you physically holding down a woman who is screaming and crying while trying to break free. Especially if she then proceeds to go to the kitchen and starts “coughing and spitting up blood.” I don’t know if Roger Mayweather tried the “hey guys…this isn’t what it looks like” move, hoping that the cops would think it’s a wacky mix-up like you would see on “Three’s Company.” But if he did - it didn’t work.

Melissa St Vil and Roger Mayweather

Mayweather - the uncle and trainer of Floyd Mayweather Jr. - was taken into custody on Sunday and charged with coercion with force and strangulation after allegedly attacking boxer and aspiring model Melissa St. Vil, who had moved to Las Vegas to train with Mayweather. But she had split with Mayweather as a trainer recently, although she was staying at an apartment owned by him and shared with Corneluis Lock, a contender who had lost in the main event of an ESPN Friday Night Fight on July 24.

Melissa St Vil

According to the police report, St. Vil claimed that Mayweather was unhappy with her continuing to live in the house and had begun harrassing her, which Lock corroborated by saying that Mayweather had been “bothering her at the residence, as well as following her to her new gym.” (Side note: I’m guessing that if you roll over on your trainer to the cops, you’ll be doing some extra roadwork next training session.)

It all apparently came to a head on Sunday afternoon. While Lock was at church (which St. Vil says is no coincidence), Mayweather allegedly tried to forcibly remove St. Vil from the house. When she refused and tried to go to her room, police say Mayweather started punching her in the ribs and then choked her until she nearly lost consciousness. St. Vil said was able to free herself by grabbing a lamp and delivering a lead right straight to Mayweather’s head, which is right about when the cops showed up.

So where does this leave everyone? For Roger Mayweather, it leaves him in a lot of trouble. It also casts doubts on Floyd Mayweather Jr.’s scheduled comeback fight against Juan Manuel Marquez in September - with what appears to be both criminal and civil cases pending, can Roger Mayweather actually prepare his nephew for the fight? Even for the three-ring circus that is the Mayweather family, this is pretty ridiculous.

Also ridiculous: that Cristiano Ronaldo can blow off women who look like his former girlfriend Nereida Gallardo and who enjoy taking topless pictures of themselves making out with other hot women in nightclub bathrooms. And just blow off, but publicly humiliate her with tabloid photographers capturing everything.

Cristiano Ronaldo

According to the DAILY MAIL, Gallardo happened to spot Ronaldo going into a nightclub in Majorca while he was on vacation. She tried to get his attention, but she was “tackled by a security guard as she made a beeline for the 24-year-old sportsman and promptly whisked away” while Ronaldo treated her like a ghost.

Then again, she did tell reporters after they split that he was “a vain mummy’s boy, who waxed his chest,” so anyone who has ever run into a crazy ex while out can relate to Ronaldo’s dilemma. Then again, most of us don’t have teams of beefy security guards to help us out.

Finally, in some positive news: Maria Sharapova is back in action, which is a good thing. She easily beat Jarmila Groth in the early rounds of the L.A. Women’s Tennis Championships, her first tournament back since surgery on her right shoulder ten months ago. But somehow, that wasn’t the big news story of the day. Because there was a catfight brewing, and it was about it go off!

Maria Sharapova

OK, not really. But defending champion Dinara Safina spent most of the day defending her world No. 1 ranking after Serena Williams had earlier questioned how Safina - who has never won a major - could be ranked No. 1 by saying sarcastically “Dinara did a great job to get to No. 1, she won Rome and Madrid.” However, anyone expecting a battle royal to break out had to be disappointed, as Safina “just answered questions pleasantly” when asked about the comments. Apparently someone doesn’t understand how PR works.

  • Suspected first-round bust Darrius Heyward-Bey is at Oakland Raiders training camp, and he’s acting…well, exactly like a first-round bust would, dropping passes and basically reaffirming the notion that Al Davis has gone from eccentric to “pouring castor oil into a bowl of Froot Loops and then dumping them on his head while singing ‘Strangers in the Night’” crazy.
  • Darrius heyward bey

  • Remember how we mentioned yesterday that Andy Reid’s notorious training camps had already claimed two Eagles players with “minor” injuries? Turns out one of them wasn’t so minor, as starting LB and leading tackler from 2008 Stewart Bradley is out for the season after tearing his right ACL. Meanwhile, Reid has invented some controversy with the media for - gasp! - trying to find out about the injury.
  • PUCK DADDY compares the Phoenix Coyotes’ ownership trial unfavorably to an episode of “Night Court.” I can see his point, since this trial does not involve Markie Post’s breasts. But then again, Mel Torme is nowhere to be seen.
  • Three days after his grandmother passed away, Denny Hamlin picked up his first NASCAR Sprint Cup Series win in 50 races at the rain-delayed Pennsylvania 500 at Pocono.
  • Clete Thomas said he didn’t know what to do when he hit a walk-off homer to lift the Tigers over the Orioles 6-5 on Monday night. Here’s a hint: running the bases so we could go home would be nice.
  • The Eagles and first-round draft pick Jeremy Maclin finally seal the deal, inking a five-year contract worth $15.5 million. If I were him, I’d stay away from Andy Reid’s Bataan Death March and hold out a few more weeks.
  • Here’s one way to make sure you come out ahead in poker: a dealer at the Bellagio in Las Vegas was apparently arrested for allegedly taking two $1,000 chips from a split pot.
  • As Scott Wolf of the LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS reports, nothing says excitement like a small handful of reporters disinterestedly checking their email while new Pac-10 commissioner Larry Scott addresses them during Media Day. Why do they have these things again, other than to get free lunches?
  • Indoor soccer + short, fat, balding guy + kid flying in at 100 mph = comedy gold.

  • If you believe that Urban Meyer’s new six-year, $24 million deal with Florida means he’s never, ever, ever leaving the Gators, think again: the buyout penalty if he leaves for another school is only $500,000. Some Notre Dame alums carry that around as tip money for their caddies.

In five years Urban Meyer will be coaching:

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Week In Review: Witt Wants Winter Games in Ger.

• We’re keeping abreast of ex-figure skating champ Katarina Witt’s efforts to bring the 2018 Winter Olympics to Munich.

Katarina Witt

The IOC would have to be a bunch of boobs not to hear her out.

• New blood tests reveal that Steve McNair was probably passed out drunk when he was shot & killed by Sahel Kazemi.

• Can’t Michael Jordan go throught at least one round of golf without being bothered by a giant inflatable penis?

• Secret video of Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James is finally released - in two versions, even! The final review: Meh.

• ESPN doesn’t feel like making news about the rape allegations aimed at Ben Roethlisberger. Why not? The accuser seems newsworthy enough.

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Katie Price - England’s Next Super Soccer WAG?

As Scott mentioned in this morning’s Speed Read, Katie Price has her sights set on shagging some superstar soccer players. The buxom British model - who also goes by the name Jordan - is specifically looking in the direction of Frank Lampard.

Katie Price

The duo reportedly used to be pretty close friends - or as one source put it, “they went out a few times and had a snog.” But that was before Price had met Peter Andre, who she eventually married. However, Katie recently said adios to Andre, so she’s back on the prowl. And it’s not just Lampard that’s on her list.

(More pics of Ms. Price after the jump.)

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Steve McNair’s Wife Unaware of Affair w/20-yr-old?

• A source says that the wife of Steve McNair was “blindsided” by news that the ex-NFL QB was having an affair with 20-year-old Sahel Kazemi.

Sahel Kazemi Photo Steve McNairs Girlfriend Photo

Meanwhile, Nashville police are saying that the gun found at the scene of McNair & Kazemi’s death had been bought by Sahel.

• Sunday was a good day to be a Gillette spokesman. Just ask Roger Federer, Tiger Woods & Derek Jeter.

Chris Cohan may soon not be one of the worst owners in the NBA, as he looks to sell his majority stake in the Golden State Warriors.

• F1 chief Bernie Ecclestone a defender of Hitler? Oh, heavens no - that was just one of those wacky British sitcom-esque misunderstandings.

• How did Ron Artest end up with the Lakers? Would you believe by barging in & setting up a shower summit with Kobe?

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Cristiano Ronaldo Introduced To 80k Adoring Fans

The free agent signing frenzy is one of the most exciting periods in offseason sports fandom. Will such-and-such big-name free agent finally be the missing piece your team needs to compete for a championship, or will it end up destroying the team (and its salary cap) for years to come? It’s an exciting time, sure, but it’s funny to watch fans, players, and team executives alike get carried away in the moment. One of the silliest parts of this frenzy is the introductory press conference. They’re completely meaningless; it’s just a bunch of executives, coaches, and athletes grinning into the camera and spouting trite sports cliches.

Cristiano Ronaldo introduction Real Madrid

Just be thankful you don’t live in Europe. Superstar Cristiano Ronaldo was introduced to 80,000 assembled Real Madrid fans and media today in a spectacle that made even the most overblown of press conferences look like a Quaker church meeting.

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71-Yr-Old Ex-Boxer Brutalizes Would-Be Burglar

• A 71-year-old former boxing champ beats & bruises a 23-year-old knife-wielding would-be burglar. The kid should’ve stayed off his lawn.

Frank Corti Gregory McCalium

• The New York Mets get on the bus and stop a 5-game losing streak. Too bad their next bus stop ended up at a Furries convention.

Landon Donovan releasing new book that bashes David Beckham.

• A Cubs fan vows to go on a semi-hunger strike until the Baby Bears win 5 in a row. It was nice knowing ya, pal.

• It’s like the old saying goes: Mexican midget wrestlers & hookers just don’t mix.

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17-Year-Old Girls — Do Not Film Cristiano Ronaldo

Welcome to Cristiano Ronaldo’s World. In today’s adventure, the soccer superstar spots a 17-year-old girl in a car filming him, and (pick one): A. Smiles and goes on his way; B. Stops to sign an autograph; C. Smashes the car window, showering the student with shards of glass resulting in sending her to the hospital. Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know the correct answer.

Actually I forgot D., Asks to see the girl topless in the bathroom. Anyway the answer is C., as 17-year-old student Sara Pardal was treated at a Lisbon hospital before making a complaint to police. Now where’s that asshat prima dona form? Actually, former Real Madrid sports director Paulo Futre had the best advice for Ronaldo to avoid such situations: “Get a steady girlfriend.”

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