Brandon Marshall Travels Through World History

August 26, 2009. Denver, Colorado. Broncos training camp:

Denver Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall puts up the most half-hearted attempt at competition in recent sporting history at a Broncos training camp practice. His total lack of effort makes Richie Tenenbaum look like the Tasmanian Devil on crack cocaine. It also accomplishes the unusual task of forcing the team to suspend the receiver for insubordination, and any casual observer of the footage would agree that coach Josh McDaniels had no choice but to do so.

Brandon Marshall Doesn't Stop John Wilkes Booth

Unbeknownst to Marshall, Broncos team doctors are also mad scientists, and during practice the men were perfecting the chronomorphotron, which allows for travel backwards and forwards through time. Like you didn’t already know that. So after being sent off the field by coaches, Marshall wanders through a curiously empty locker room. He’s angry and looking for things to hit. He sees one stall with a closed door - most don’t even have doors - and the nameplate of a teammate he doesn’t recognize: “T. Machine.” He opens it, looking for things to throw. He finds a whole new world.

Inside the stall are dials, buttons, gadgets and gauges. Most importantly, there’s a panel on the inside of the door with date, latitude, and longitude. Marshall, thinking they’re sports scores or something, randomly tweaks everything in site before hitting “SEND.” This is his journey.

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Broncos WR Marshall Found Not Guilty Of Abuse

Apparently, having a track record of domestic assault charges and a girlfriend with a busted up face wasn’t enough to convince jurists that Denver Broncos WR Brandon Marshall was guilty of it this time - not even close. The ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION reports that it took a jury less than an hour to deliberate before acquitting Marshall of domestic assault charges filed by his girlfriend following a confrontation in March 2008.

Brandon Marshall

Take that, “Outside the Lines”! Because while ESPN’s hard news program aired an in-depth report in late May on Marshall’s history of domestic abuse complaints, including no less than 13 cases where the police had the get involved, it doesn’t seem that report made its way down to Georgia. Or the jury actually chose to follow instructions and not watch or read anything involving the case. Yeah, right!

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GB QB Going Out w/Gorgeous Grapefruit Heiress

• Meet Julie Henderson, SI swimsuit model & grapefruit heiress - oh, and the main squeeze of Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers.

Julie Henderson

• Raider Nation celebrates 50 years of existence, spiked shoulder pads.

• The Miami Dolphins keep having identity issues. First it was Vontae Davis’ false arrest, and now it’s Davone Bess bothered by a fake Twitterer.

Tony Hawk takes a quick skateboard trip through the White House, and FOX NEWS throws a fit.

• Nothing says “I Love You” quite like personalized bobbleheads - just ask Red Sox owner John Henry & his new wife.

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Brandon Marshall Adores Denver (Ha, Not Really)

OK, let’s look on the bright side. When Brandon Marshall is driving drunk and being hauled to jail for refusing a breath test, at least he’s not beating up his girlfriend. But if he’s looking for someone to show up with some cash to bail him out of jail after his next offense, I wouldn’t advise using his one phone call to contact anyone in the city of Denver.

Brandon Marshall

It seems that when Marshall said recently he wanted to be traded, he wasn’t kidding. According to a police report recently obtained from a Denver TV station, the Broncos receiver went on an angry tirade against the city of Denver when he was stopped on suspicion of DUI in Oct. of 2007. Key quote: “I hate Denver. I hope I get traded. I hate this f******* city.”

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Speed Read: Donte’ Stallworth Reaches DUI Deal

Sometimes, all you can ask for is closure. Not revenge or punishment or the eye for the proverbial eye; just enough to begin the healing process.

Donte Stallworth

And so, according to the MIAMI HERALD, the family of Mario Reyes, the man Donte’ Stallworth stands accused of killing in a March DUI accident, have been described by prosecutors as “the primary force” in a plea deal that is expected to be accepted today. And rather than spending years and years in prison, Stallworth may only have a short jail stay:

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth is expected to plead guilty Tuesday to driving drunk when he struck and killed a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in March, The Miami Herald has learned.

Stallworth’s attorney, Christopher Lyons, confirmed that the case was expected to be resolved Tuesday in court. Lyons declined to detail terms of the plea, which are not yet public.

While this is good news for Stallworth and his family, it doesn’t mean his NFL career is back in play; even after the jail stay imposed by the judge, Stallworth will still have to be reinstated by the notoriously unsympathetic Roger Goodell.  This will be a remarkably tough decision for the commissioner; no matter what length of suspension he decides on, it’s still going to be met by (not entirely unreasonable) protests of “Oh, so that’s how many games a human life is worth?”

But all the same, the person who’s really going to be haunted by the specter of death here is Stallworth, not Goodell. That he, even accidentally, killed a fellow man is a fact that will saddle him long after he’s gone from the league.

*UPDATE*: Stallworth gets sentenced to 30 days in jail & two years of house arrest.

Okay, we need a fun story after all that. So, as we warned you earlier, Joe Buck’s talk show career just started last night. And, judging by what AWFUL ANNOUNCING found, it may have ended last night too.

Joe Buck

The milquetoast play-by-play announcer for FOX had put together a decent, meh-but-not-terrible first episode, with appearances by Brett Favre (more on him later), Michael Irvin, Chad Ochocinco, and other famous members of the sports world. And then to close it out, he had on longtime friend Paul Rudd, a practically non-existent Jason Sudeikis, and, inexplicably, Artie Lange.

The audio is ludicrously NSFW, but if you’ve got earphones and/or a door to your office, you’ll want to check out Lange single-handedly derailing the show:

And then yes, Favre. Favre Favre Favre. He was the first guest on the show, and allowed make unironic claims like he’s not looking for attention. While he’s on, y’know, a nationally televised talk show. And to his credit, the fact that this is his first public appearance while ESPN has hammered coverage of his dalliance with Vikings management into viewers’ brains (we think Ed Werder’s been tasked with rifling through the trash down at Favre’s ranch in Mississippi) should be noted. That said, this happens every damn year, and it’s so tiresome. Here we are in June, with training camps underway. Teams want to have their summer rosters in place. So is Favre going to play this year? “Maybe.”

Brett Favre Vikings
(Here we go again.)

Also, the fact that Favre’s first public comments aren’t to ESPN should be noted as well. So rather than think of Favre as a caricature of an attention whore or drama queen or whatever, perhaps it’s best to - yes, we know this is neither fun nor easy - recognize the shades of gray and think that while he knows how easy it is to attract attention after spending two decades in the spotlight,  part of him actually is a country-bred bumpkin from Mississippi who would play football forever if he could.

But then again, we don’t know where the annual retirement charade fits into either side. And how many years in a row is this? Eight? C’mon, man.

Here are more stories to consider as you mourn Shawn Johnson’s euthanization

  • Look, this is clearly not the appropriate forum to discuss the ongoing turmoil in Iran. We’re not nearly qualified enough to comment on it, and that’s not what you’re here to read anyway. That said, if you’re wanting to find out more about watching the seeds of revolution occur in real-time, Andrew Sullivan’s blog is a good place to start. So why even bring it up? Only for the most epic picture in tOSU history, via 11W (click here for higher res, pops):

Tehran Buckeye
(Your move, Michigan.)

What else is Joe Morgan lying about?

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Week In Review: Courtney A New Hot Rod Force

• Along with sister Ashley, Courtney has hit the drag strip as another hot hot-rodding Force to be reckoned with.

Courtney Force

• High school cheerleaders in Texas can sure pull off some crappy pranks.

• Broncos WR Brandon Marshall appears to enjoy beating up women.

• This soccer celebration on top of a Brazilian bus could have gone better.

Danica Patrick signs some boobs in her latest TV commercial for Boost Mobile. Sounds sexy, right? Well…

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HS Cheerleaders Can Pull Off Some Crappy Stunts

• A group of cheerleaders at a Texas high school sock it to a teammate by smearing human feces inside her locker.

Bring It On brown socks

• Does the Denver Broncos’ Brandon Marshall like to beat women?

• Every time a Laker visits Colorado, sex accusations are soon to follow.

Jeff Van Gundy is trying to stay objective in the broadcast booth, but he really wants his brother Stan to beat L.A.

• I know playing in the SEC is tough, but getting death threats from your own fans?

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OTL: Brandon Marshall Can’t Stop Beating Women

It’s not fair to judge someone on facts that aren’t on the public record. To that end, recently, all we’ve actually known about Brandon Marshall was that he’s a prodigious talent at receiver for the Broncos, that he was recently arrested for the fourth time, and that prior to the fourth arrest, the NFL only saw fit to suspend him for one game.

Rasheedah Watley
(Wait, why is his ex-girlfriend on TV and crying? That can’t be good.)

That’s all out the window, following ESPN’s report on OUTSIDE THE LINES this Sunday. In an avalanche of evidence that includes police reports, 911 calls, and an emotional interview with ex-girlfriend Rasheedah Watley, OTL presented a timeline of extensive domestic abuse by Marshall, detailing no fewer than 13 separate incidents in which the police have gotten involved with Marshall.

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Drug Dealer Calls Broncos RB Buckhalter A Client

The Denver Broncos have more grease fires right now than the kitchen of a seedy Mexican restaurant with a drunk chef. Franchise QB Jay Cutler is demanding a trade and Pro Bowl wide receiver Brandon Marshall is awaiting the league’s wrath following his fourth arrest since 2006. And everyone seems to hate the new coach.

Correll Buckhalter

And now their big free agent signing is in hot water. The PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER says that ex-Eagles running back Correll Buckhalter has been named by an alleged drug dealer as a client during his trial. The prosecutor in the case of the wonderfully named Styles N. Beckles (no, not this Stylez) mentioned Buckhalter and former Temple football player Keita Crespina as two athletes to whom Beckles had sold drugs.

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Bank Robbers Use Jersey Numbers As Code Now

Pennsylvania residents Trammel Bledsoe and Phillip Sainsbury are not exactly model citizens.  In fact, they’re bank robbers (though they aren’t related to Deidra Lane) who are currently in prison after getting busted by the cops.  They also happen to be sports fans, and have found a fun new way to use sports knowledge to help commit crimes.

Reggie Bush

While Bledsoe is in prison he knows his telephone calls are being recorded.  So when he called his friend Joshua Burton to give him instructions on where to find the gun he ditched and the $3,500 he stole from the bank, he had to come up with some kind of code to let Burton know where to find the loot.  So he used athletes and their jersey numbers to give locations.

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