Hey, remember how cool it was last week that Halloween came on a Saturday? And so that way everyone could wear their costumes to the game and what a blast we all had last week, right? Last week? As in a week ago?
(And why don’t YOU go get f**ked, pal?)
Yeah, about that. East Carolina’s switch back to standard time must have gone horribly wrong and catapulted them five or six days back into the past, because they’re telling fans to all dress up for tonight’s game against Virginia Tech. Not only that, but everyone has to dress as pirates. Amazingly, according to BUSTER SPORTS, we aren’t even making that up.
Part of the reinvention process that Tim Brewster has been helping the Minnesota Golden Gophers undertake - and lord knows they need it - is a return to their glory days of several decades ago. That means no more Metrodome; instead, they’ve got a brand-new open-air joint, TCF Bank Stadium, with state of the art facilities. The problem, however, is that Tim Brewster is in charge of this reinvention, so literally anything is possible.
(Hey, that looks pretty nice.)
As EDSBS noted this morning, the most immediately noticeable aspect of the new locker room in the tour that Brewster gives out on YouTube is the giant flashing M on the ceiling for no apparent reason. There’s also a glassed-off locker dedicated to famous Minnesota coach Murray Warmath, whose name is awesome*. Inside the locker is the iconic “crystal football” trophy for Warmath’s 1960 national title with Minnesota, the last in Gophers history. It’s a perfect reminder that expectations in Minnesota are for a title and nothing less.
One little problem, though; the title was in the 1960 season, but the “crystal football” trophy wasn’t first issued until 1986.
Meet Arek Onyszko, everybody. He’s the goalkeeper for Danish soccer club FC Midtjylland. Or at least he was, anyway; he was recently kicked off the team after he released a book the team told him to quit working on. Also, he hates gay people like you would not believe. No, really; he’d like to tell you all about how vile he finds them.
(”I’M SO STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIGHT!”*)
Onyszko’s only with FC Midtjylland because he was fired from his earlier team, Odense OB, though that’s a rather normal reaction for a team when you’re put in jail for three months for beating your wife. So if you’re wondering what it would take to get kicked off another team if they’re willing to look past spousal abuse, well, we can start here.
Onyszko’s book, which is called “F–king Polack” and no we are not kidding about that, actually goes into uncomfortable detail about how and why he hates the gays; if you’re a virulent homophobe, this would be the right kind of book to curl up with in front of the fireplace this winter.
Briefly yesterday, the sports world was aflitter and atwitter, abuzz and agog at the word coming from Tampa that the Buccaneers’ owners, still reeling from the Bernie Madoff scheme, were going to have to sell the team before next season. The rumor seems to have originated from former Buc Dan Sileo on WDAE 620 AM, though according to JOE BUCS FAN, it quickly spread to other relevant media organizations.
(Uh oh, Jasper’s here. And he’s got his paddle. Guys, that’s not a good sign.)
Slight problem: Sileo apparently didn’t check that rumor with the actual team; they’d have quickly shot the rumor down. We know they’d have done that because that’s precisely what co-chairman Joel Glazer did with ESPN’s Adam Schefter later that day, calling the rumors “100 percent false” and “baseless, irresponsible and slanderous.” Whoops. Well, that’s one way to earn a quick vacation.
Our old friend Jeff Reed is back in the news, and once again, it’s for the type of reasons you never want to have associated with a program. In Pittsburgh, just hours after hitting both of his field goal attempts in the Steelers’ 27-14 victory over the Cleveland Browns, Reed was cited and “technically arrested” - he never actually went to jail, thanks to a family member at the scene - by police for public intox and other related charges.
(He seemed like such a sober fellow.)
Why, then, would such an incident happen? Towel dispensers aside, Reed seems like a happy drunk, and certainly one who wouldn’t earn a public intox charge (which really ought to be renamed “public drunk a$$hole in the vicinity of a police officer”) - to say nothing of disorderly conduct and two other misdemeanors. Well, that Steelers teammate urinating in public nearby probably has something to do with it.
There’s really no good way to go about telling people you’re a registered sex offender, is there? You can’t really joke your way out of “I whipped out my hog in a place it definitely should not have been and the courts think your children should be warned about me,” after all, and you’re not likely to find any kindred spirits.
(Just so you know, that’s a guy. Adjust ogling strategy accordingly.)
One would think, then, that the logical course of action is to not do anything that would lead to “registered sex offender” status, especially something as egregious as exposing yourself to a minor. That’s totally out of the question, right? Well, normally, yes, but… you see, there are these football games, and it’s fun to go streaking at football games (or so we’re told, anyway)… and how was anybody to know that minors under 16 would be at a high school football game, anyway?
I love you, England. I love you because your women have English accents, and they can make literally anything sound far more interesting than if an American says it. Also, your jokes are usually funnier and there’s nothing produced by an American television company quite like the BBC’s Top Gear.
(Somehow, I don’t think you thought your cunning plans all the way through.)
Oh, and also, only in England can you hear a lawyer say the following: “You know it cannot have been a good night when you get into a fight with Spiderman and two cross-dressing men.” Did we mention the two men in question are MMA fighters? And that closed-circuit cameras captured the whole fight? Nighty-night, drunk men; video is after the break.
As you might recall, there’s a labor stoppage looming on the NFL’s horizon; without a new deal, the salary cap disappears in 2010, then play stops for 2011 and all hell breaks loose. Bad times, especially for the players. To that end, apparently, the NFLPA is taking today to meet with players about the lockout and to discuss the union’s strategy for attacking the possibility of a lockout.
(What? No way. Seriously, no way, right.)
What the NFLPA perhaps should not have done is invite notorious Tweetmonster Chad Ochocinco, who couldn’t get “be quiet” right if it were Wheel of Fortune and you spotted him the B, E, Q, and T. So naturally, Ocho kept his phone off during the proceedings and of course we’re lying, he’s been giving his followers updates the entire time. Oh, and just to prove that he’s reliable, he also claimed to get cut from the Bengals in the middle of the thing, so… your guess is as good as ours, really.
To the outside world, there’s something unsettlingly effete and flamboyant about bullfighting - specifically, the matadors in the ring. Though the average matador probably swims in a pile of nubile groupies like Scrooge McDuck does money, the whole outfit, the flourishes, the whole thing seems… well, for lack of a better term, a little gay. There, we said it.
(As opposed to “straight up,” we suppose.)
And while there’s an undeniable, logical brilliance behind putting on that show and trading the suspicions of those with extra-sensitive gaydars for gobs of money and fame, at the end of the day, straight men generally want to be thought of as, y’know… straight. In other words, they probably wouldn’t ordinarily choose to wear a cape that says “GAY UP” on it. Or so you’d think.
ESPN Fantasy owners like yours truly got a rather strange email last night, titled “Need Fantasy Help? We’re here for you.” Now, being that this was after two weeks of play and the header included basic questions about fantasy sports, we thought this was some automatic email sent out because we’re 0-2; like ESPN was saying “We see that you suck at this; do you know what ‘fantasy sports’ is?”
(Are we sure this isn’t just an elaborate hoax for our rivals to get our login? If we see half our roster on the waiver wire, so help us….)
Ah, but no no, the WWL wasn’t just patronizing us. It turns out they’ve got help for all fans… over the telephone. Yes, ESPN, still licking its wounds from its failed foray into the 900 number craze a decade ago (I can’t be the only one who remembers that, right?), is offering a toll-free number to help fantasy owners do their fantasying.