Today’s Completely Logical Partnership: NFL-IHOP

Do you want to put up with such sugary garbage that your teeth will fall out? We’d guess the answer’s no, but hey, some people have suicidal teeth. You never know. Anyway, you’ve got two options on that front. The first is to eat at IHOP.

Stuffed Football IHOP
(This is so necessary right now.)

The other option, which is closely related, is to read the press release that IHOP and the NFL just released to announce their partnership. It’s awful. It’s stupid. This is not a drill, Ironic Detachment Team; this is the real thing, and you’re going to have roll your eyes harder than you’ve ever rolled them before.

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ESPN Mag Debuts Anonymous NFL Gossip Column

For years, mainstream media outlets have declined to give credit to the vast majority of sports blogs based on two major pillars of journalistic self-importance: one, that bloggers blog their bloggy little blog posts anonymously (and presumably without the holy grail of a Journalism Degree from an Accredited Journalism Program) and two, that their little rabble-rousing rumors are unsourced and unverified by Multiple Reputable Sources or other Credentialed Journalists.

For years, ESPN led the self-righteous anti-blog crusade, stealing scoops and refusing to credit anonymous bloggers. Now, though, they’ve seen the light profit that spurious rumormongering can bring: ESPN THE MAGAZINE is launching a new, anonymous gossip column supposedly written by an NFL player. The only difference between that and an anonymous, unsourced blog is…what, exactly?

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All Aboard The Dale Earnhardt Sr. Roller Coaster!

OK, I’ll tell you right now with no fear of being politically incorrect, don’t think you’re getting me to ride the new Dale Earnhardt Sr. roller coaster. Yes, that’s the Dale Earnhardt Senior roller coaster, which at first seems like a sick joke; something Borat would build if he owned an amusement park. “Come now, you try your luck at the Tupac Shakur shooting gallery! Five shots for a dollar!

Sorry, I’ll be busy at the Michael Vick petting zoo. Two amusement parks in Virginia and North Carolina have teamed with Dale Earnhardt Inc. to mark new roller coasters with the name and logo of the late NASCAR legend, and let us put an emphasis here on the word “late.” Considering how Earnhardt Sr. met his tragic end, is this branding of a speeding thrill conveyance really wise?

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Martellus Bennett Invents Black Olympics — Yikes

I’m generally against censorship, but someone needs to take away Martellus Bennett’s access to YouTube, and it must be done today. As our friends at YOU BEEN BLINDED pointed out, the concept of a Black Olympics — eating chicken and watermelon and drinking Kool-Aid as timed events — might have been a funny concept if Dave Chappelle had done it. But in the hands of the Cowboys’ tight end, it’s … well, not good. Not good at all.

Martellus Bennett

If you’re a fan of Bennett’s YouTube rap career, please seek help immediately. You are not well. Not only did he commit the ultimate sin — rhyming “Romo” with “homo” (a stunning lack of imagination there) — he also sang about women farting. Just how does this help move society forward again? And now this dubious idea, in which he enlists the help of his brother, Seahawks’ DE Michael Bennett. (Video below). Read more…

Vijay Singh Remains Loyal To Disgraced Financier

Yesterday, disgraced former billionaire “Sir” Allen Stanford was arrested by the FBI in Virginia. The flamboyant financial honcho is accused of defrauding investors out of over 8 billion dollars. Before his financial house of cards collapsed, Stanford was famous in sports circles for being a major sponsor of teams and athletes, including Vijay Singh.

Vijay Singh Stanford Group

As his empire crumbled, his Stanford International Group defaulted on nearly all its sponsorship obligations, including Singh. So after all that, and after yesterday’s high-profile arrest, why the heck did Singh show up to his U.S. Open tee time this morning with Stanford’s name plastered all over him?

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MLB Draft in Prime Time, Expanded to Three Days

The NFL Draft has become a big television event in recent years, thanks in part to incessant hype from both the NFL and ESPN. This year’s draft featured it all - celebrity “entertainers”, celebrity college athletes, and the inimitable Mel Kiper, Jr. Even casual fans tune in to catch the pageantry of it all and to see the NFL’s stars of tomorrow; heck, it’s such a big event that they’re turning it into a three-day primetime extravaganza, as SPORTSbyBROOKS reported just this morning.

Bud Selig MLB Draft

The Major League Baseball draft, on the other hand, is none of these things.  Instead of celebrity entertainers and athletes, it features obscure high school kids, obscure college kids, and the loathsome Scott Boras. In fact, some of the most notable stories from the MLB draft are not tales of superstar athletes busting on the scene, but of wasted potential and busts. None of this, however, matters to the ridiculously-arrogant MLB, which has decided to copy the NFL and turn its sports footnote of a draft into a three-day primetime event. In the words of NFL Draft aficionado Bill Cosby…riiiight.

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We’d Never Heard Of This CBI Before Now, Either

THE SPORTS ECONOMIST catches something that I’d imagine went under everyone’s radar: the birth of yet another postseason college basketball tournament.

CBI College Basketball Tournament

The College Basketball Invitational (CBI) Postseason Tournament will take 16 teams left out of the NCAA madness to have their own tournament, which will begin on Tuesday night and air on the cable network known as Fox College Sports.

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