Spain Conquers Germany, Demands Hair Products

So remember when we told you that today offered some of the best spectacle an American soccer fan could hope for and that you should drop everything and tune in for the day? We remember it like it was this morning. Yeah. We’ve discussed this before, but we’re kind of an idiot.

In the primer, the L.A. Galaxy wilted in the D.C. heat to lose the Battle of the Abbreviated Locale Names, 4-1. D.C. United held such control that Known Invalid Ben Olsen even participated in a little ball touching near the end. Still… hey, scoring, right? That’s good, no?

Michael Ballack at Euro 2008

If so, perhaps we should have dropped that hint around Germany or Spain. In a word: gack.

In the Euro 2008 final, Spain dominated much of the match but could only score once in the 33rd minute. Captain Hair (aka Fernando Torres) outclassed German keeper Jens Lehmann for the only recordable action of the final.

The rest of the game could only be enjoyed by those with a very specialized fetish involving raising one’s arms high in the air, charging at an authority figure, and demanding retribution for almost being touched during the run of play. Also, anyone that enjoyed localized tremors that caused skilled athletes to lose their balance repeatedly.

Here’s a video of the Euro 2008 Final referee explaining how he would prepare to manage the final match. Nowhere in here does he mention “jam my thumbs in the posterior region of my body and trot around for 90 minutes or so”, but we assume that’s due to careless editing.

It’s a bit of a shame that the Final could not deliver the same excitement as the rest of the tourney, racked with goals in the 119th and 121st minutes and penalty kicks and other forms of magic. While that may have been too much to ask once more, it didn’t seem terribly greedy to request two teams appear for the match. Next Final, Germany?