We’re going to say some words here about Cristiano Ronaldo being the best soccer player on the planet. We’re going to mention he won two major championships (Premier League and Champions League) in the last month. We’re also going to mention he missed a penalty kick in the latter championship and mock him weakly for being so beautiful and successful, revealing our petty blogger streak.

Then we’re going to tell you his girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, likes taking topless photos of herself making out with girls in nightclub bathrooms and post the picture above - cut tastefully. (The uncut version is after the jump.)

And the preceding words will probably spill from your brain. It’s okay. We’re not offended. If we could write as well as she lifts her shirt, we’d be too busy to tell you about her because we’d be off on our next book tour with Padma Lakshmi. We’re cool here.

No, really. We’re done. You can go ahead and look at the pictures and hear how she’s constantly taking pictures of her bare chest and how she “oozes sexuality” (which might be why she chooses bathrooms to do this in - there’s drains in the floor). We’re just going to stay here in case Padma returns our calls. We’re sure we will. We told her we’re the Arthur Miller of our time.

(Click on the pics for larger versions.)

And for a breath of fresh air, inhale some non-loo-located Nereida pics:

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More from SPORTSbyBROOKS, (Sports celebrity gossip updated every day!):

Arizona Cardinal’s secret nudie model wife!

Russian Figure Skater Anna Semenovich buys huge new boobs, joins girl group!

Olympic Champion Pole Vaulter (photo below): “If We Are Ugly Nobody Will Be Interested.”

The best butt in women’s tennis revealed!

And be sure and check out the EXCLUSIVE SPORTSbyBROOKS Girls!