Bill Plaschke is not as lame as you think he is.

He started out his LA TIMES column upon Paul Pierce’s return late in the third quarter of Game 1 of the NBA Finals from a knee injury that shocked Pierce briefly and required he get wheeled off the court.

(Like LA isn’t all about valet service already.)

Pierce returned a few minutes later to help carry his team to a 98-88 victory in Los Angeles with 22 points.

Plaschke gleefully stabbed Pierce in the back repeatedly with his Dell Latitude. (It’s Plaschke’s go-to move.)

Faker!

Actor!

Celtic!

Plaschke rubbed his hands together and cackled loudly. Add a bit about the Lakers’ offense being injured. God, that’s great writing. Tied it all together. That’s how a real writer does it.

Now he could make that late reservation at Pacific Dining Car. Stick around long enough to dump a couple quotes from Pierce in the piece (and get his voice on ESPN) and then he’s free. Maybe take a crap on DePodesta’s lawn on the way over there.

Ooh. Phil called Pierce a faker, too. Vindication!

Brilliant!

(Hope Tommy Lasorda picked up a couple honeys on the way.)