Packers LB Nick Barnett Loves The Gadget Play

Like most teams’ last preseason games, the Packers-Titans tilt tonight in Nashville will feature a bunch of players you’ll never see again and a bunch of plays you’ll never see again, as coaches alternately keep things vanilla or test out works-in-progress. As boring as it is for fans to watch, it has to be even worse for the team’s starters, who aren’t fighting for roster spots and won’t see more than a quarter of action in a meaningless scrimmage.

Chad Barnett Dildo, Newfoundland and Labrador

(SPORTSbyBROOKS: Sports Celebrity Gossip Maturity Since 2001.)

With nothing to prepare for, players have a bit more time than usual on their hands to explore the city around the and, in the case of LB Nick Barnett, get some shopping done for the wife. Nothing wrong with that. But, um, Nick? Some purchases are probably better left un-Tweeted*.

I mean, what did you expect people to think when they saw this (courtesy of the un-sleeping, all-knowing Daulerio)?

Nick Barnett Twitter 1

Thumper, eh? Sounds suspiciously like The Rabbit (NSFW), don’t you think? But lest you think all this massager and winking business is anything less than strictly stress-relieving in nature, Barnett soon clarified. GET YOUR MIND OUT THE GUTTER - CHILD, PLEASE:

Chad Barnett Twitter 2

There’s something intrinsically funny (and wrong) about the words “dildo” and “God bless you” being used in the same sentence, but that’s the Twitters for you. So what is this Thumper contraption, anyway?

Thumper Medieval Torture Device/Massager

OH DEAR GOD. OK, so you were right, Nick - that’s not a sex toy. It’s a freakin’ power sander. Put that thing anywhere near your best gal’s ladyparts and you’ll end up doing one of two things, neither of which bode well for your bedroom life: you’ll either turn her into a Barbie doll (y’know, down there) or it’ll blow her mind and render your own fleshy manparts obsolete. In any case, we’re sorry we doubted your sincerity. Ain’t nothin’ romantic about that thing.

*Speaking of bad Twitter choices, Nick, maybe it’s not such a good idea to sync your iPhone’s GPS with your Twitter account. Just sayin’.