Baseball has always been a hyper-competitive sport, where athletes did whatever they could to grasp that competitive advantage over their opponents–and their potential replacements. Oh, and by “competitive advantage,” I mean “as many drugs as possible without being caught.” Mountains of drugs, people. To the point where getting on the field without the use of any amphetamines was called “playing naked.” This, we’re assuming, was much more palatable than the literal interpretation (unless it was Pete Rose (below), of course. Mrowr!).
But with the litany of PED-related crackdowns in recent years, players are starting to shift away from PED and toward ADD. Yes, we’re not making this up, they’re taking freaking Adderall. And don’t look now, but the World Anti-Doping Agency doesn’t whole-heartedly endorse this practice:
“This is incredible. This is quite spectacular. There seems to be an epidemic of ADD in major league baseball,” said Dr. Gary Wadler, chairman of the committee that determines the banned-substances list for the World Anti-Doping Agency.
That’s my Gary, always hatin’ on people. Of course, Wadler does have a point; while we would be completely unsurprised to find out that nutbars like Sidney Ponson or Ichiro have ADD/ADHD, its sudden emergence as a pressing medical concern is, as they say, dodgy at best. So how many players are coming down with the I LIKE CANDY LOOK A SHINY THING disease? 30%? 40? Gary did say it was an “epidemic,” you know.
“I’ve been in private practice for a lot of years. I can count on one hand the number of individuals that have ADD,” he said. “To say that (7.86%) of major league baseball players have attention deficit disorder is crying out of an explanation. It is to me as an internist so off the map of my own experience.”
Oh come on. 7.86%? That’s, what, two guys per 25-man roster? Color us dissatisfied. Whatever that color is. Color. Paint. Finger paint! Chicken fingers honey mustard Colonel Mustard CLUE! Clue murder gun shoot XBOX HALO I WANNA PLAY HALO SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT HAHAHAHA WHEEE ADHD!!!!!