Martellus Bennett Knows His Genetic Background

We’re not going to do the math on it, mainly because we slept through math class and don’t know what “multiplication” is (we think it sounds German, and that’s what the Nazis spoke!), but we can confidently say that many, if not most, athletes are on Twitter by now. Most of their feeds are boring because most athletes are boring - or want to project a boring image for PR purposes, anyway. So you get things like Brian Cardinal saying he’s full from eating. Wow.

Martellus Bennett Shirtless
(You think he looks just plain black. You are so very wrong.)

But then there’s Martellus Bennett, and if the name sounds familiar, it’s because he’s flat-out insane. He was the one that recorded that diss track to YouTube that earned a fine from the team, then started a surreal blog with the DALLAS MORNING NEWS that ruminated on women farting. He’s moved to the microblogging arena, it seems, as KISSING SUZY KOLBER just unearthed his account (that we failed to search Twitter on a daily basis for Marty B is a gross oversight, and we apologize). No fart jokes yet, that we can tell, but he has a curious explanation of his genetic background:

@celebritymound I’m black and I have extra tendons n my knees
4:34 PM Apr 29th from TwitterFon in reply to celebritymound

Just black? Marty, don’t you think you should tell the full story?

I’m 1/4 Indian (my pocohontas skin tone gives that away) Im 4/8 Negro the way i say four gives it away (fo)1/6 pappadeaux 2/3 cowboy 1/19
10:51 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Pappadeaux, for those not geographically fortunate, is a Southern-style seafood restaurant; it’s not (as far as we know) some bizarre allusion to another genetic marker of his. So that’s pretty neat–oh wait, he’s still going:

Animal (part liger) 2/20 transformer and 7/35 blue bonnett Texas babamy. Wat r u
10:52 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon 

Well, that all makes perfect sense. As KSK points out, “Martellus Bennett is approximately 1.86 people. Give or take.” Again, we’re not mathologists, so we’ll take their word for it. We do like that he assumes that if you eat enough of a certain product, it becomes a part of your DNA. Were that true, however, we’d have to fill out next year’s census as “half-white, half-guinea.” WHAT? We mean the sandwich! The grinder. Sheesh, people these days.