It’s day two of the Siege of Philadelphia, and though most phone lines to the beleaguered city are down, we are receiving scattered reports of unthinkable horrors being perpetrated. Like one man who decided not to loot a store directly, like most normal people, but to rob a bank and spend it on Phillies gear.

(This man was one of the most law-abiding citizens last night).

From the DAILY NEWS comes the tale of this Rhodes Scholar who allegedly held up a bank, then drove to a Modell’s Sporting Goods store and was arrested leaving the store with armfuls of Phillies merchandise.

The saddest part about this isn’t that the store was on the same street as the bank, or that he dumped the stolen cash in a trash bin after buying what he wanted. The saddest part is that he made his transactions yesterday morning, long before any World Series gear was on sale. Enjoy that NL Championship shirt, dumbass. Maybe you can trade it for a couple of smokes at Eastern State Penitentiary. (Full report from the war zone, after the jump)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

The Internets are awash with spectacular photos and footage that looks more like scenes from Liberty City than Philadelphia. You’ve already seen what will go down as the lasting image of the 2008 Phillies, Mr. Vodka Bottle to the Head. But have you seen his cousin, Mr. Fat Guy in a Thong?

And of course, no riot would be complete without flipping cars. Here’s video, featuring the immortal quote, “They’re better off flipping the Lexus, it’s heavier.”

This report just in, from a correspondent on the ground (read: a drunken email from a friend):

Just got back from the riots, it’s 2 am, my pants are bloody and ripped.  My friend Poge was beaten with a night stick in the face FOUR TIMES.  I stink like beer and a good time.  i’m f**king wasted.  I spent my entire night running, then converging on the police, then running again.  It was hilarious.  I’m not even a phillies fan and I reveled in the mischief.  It was truly hilarious.

Good work, Philadelphia. If the Eagles ever win a Superbowl, the ensuing conflagration may engulf the entire East Coast.