LSU QB Perrilloux Discovers Osama, Open Bar

President Bush will stand on the White House lawn Monday with the young man that has allegedly discovered “Osama”. However, if LSU Sports Information Director Michael Bonnette has his way, the President will never know and these two ships will pass in the night, never knowing that Bush could have closed his presidency on a high.

Ryan Perrilloux

(There! In the crowd! Osama! Wearing Gator colors!)

Why does Michael Bonnette hate America? Apparently, he doesn’t believe that LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux entered a Kona Grill in Baton Rouge last Sunday with three employees of Crazy Horse Cabaret, plopped down at the bar, and loudly carried on with his group until he realized that his server looked just like Osama bin Laden.

Having spotted the most hated man in America, Perrilloux allegedly shouted “Osama” at the man in a vain attempt to save the country he loves. However, the “Osama”-loving manager eventually threw the four brave Americans out under threat of calling the police.

Even though two employees confirmed the episode and reports surfaced that Perrilloux, coach Les Miles, and an assistant coach all called to apologize for the incident, Bonnette refused to acknowledge the event ever happened.

Why would anyone apologize for being proud Americans attempting to catch the most evil man in the world? Could it be that the server merely looked Middle Eastern and Perrilloux drunkenly shouted racial slurs at him until being thrown out?

America’s enemies want you to think so, which is why Miles suspended Perrilloux indefinitely for a month and almost made him miss all of spring practice when Ryan kept blowing off classes, strength training, and practices. It tarnishes the credibility of the man trying to protect America.

“”To me it’s certainly been pretty serious punishment and public scrutiny and not being with his team,” Miles said. “I called the restaurant and got information. And my words were, ‘If my guys, any of which, were to make a mistake, certainly we stand for them. And we’ll address it and we have and we will.’”"

Truer words have never been spoken, Coach Miles. Stand up for your guys, Coach Miles; stand up for America, Michael Bonnette. At least, stand up for the guys that are your star quarterbacks that are your only shot at winning the BCS crown again; “Osama” can fend for himself. After all, he’s been crafty enough to hide in Louisiana for this long.