MAYNE IS STAR OF SOON-TO-BE-CANCELLED ABC SHOW: John Maynard of the WASHINGTON POST tips us off that ABC’s “Fast Cars & Superstars: Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race” is complete doo-doo.

The show, which is intended to capture the same ratings magic as “Dancing With The Stars”, fails miserably - mainly because the strapped-in celebs only engage in time trials and never actually race each other (wot?!).

As you might expect, a sampling of the star lineup is about as bright as a Florida State coed columnnist: (A very bloated) Bill Shatner, (A very bloated) Serena Willians, Krista Allen (?), and Laird Hamilton (?).

And you know you’ve got a water-logged bottle rocket on your hands when the high point of the production is weeded out ever-witty show host Kenny Mayne.

Maynard: “The real star is ESPN announcer Kenny Mayne, himself a former ‘Dancing With the Stars’ contestant; he co-hosts with racing aficionado and former NBA all-star Brad Daugherty. The ever-hyper Mayne is full of hyperbole, calling Elway a “Jedi warrior on the course” and uttering more than once that Hamilton is “out of his mind.“