Thousands or perhaps hundreds of years from now, when aliens sift through the wreckage of the long-extinct human civilization, they will probably find a lot of university press releases. Like Styrofoam cups, these documents will never decompose, and, sadly, will bear little resemblance to the events that actually occurred here.
(Sherron Collins and Darrell Stuckey … it’s all cool!)
Take today’s press release from the University of Kansas, which purportedly announces a truce between warring factions of the Jayhawks football and basketball teams. It was authored, supposedly, by player representatives from both teams; Sherron Collins and Cole Aldrich of the basketball team, and Kerry Meier, Todd Reesing, Jake Sharp and Darrell Stuckey of the football team. Coaches met with players this morning and supposedly everyone hugged it out (sound of knives and other weapons clattering to the floor as they hugged).
Here’s the press release, which would have made Dean Wormer proud.
KU ATHLETICS: Statement from Representatives of the KU Football and Men’s Basketball Teams
September 23, 2009
Contact: Jim Marchiony
Statement from Representatives of the KU Football and Men’s Basketball Teams
LAWRENCE, Kan. – Kansas Athletics Director Lew Perkins met with the football and men’s basketball teams Wednesday afternoon in the Anderson Family Football Complex. Following the meeting, selected representatives from both teams (listed below) collectively released the following statement:
“We realize that over the past couple of days we’ve let a disagreement between a few guys grow bigger than it ever should have. We’re embarrassed about that.
“Now we want everyone know that we have met and talked it out. We realize we’re all Jayhawks. We’re proud of what both teams have accomplished.
“We appreciate the support these teams give each other. We’ll be in the stands rooting for each other like we always have.
“We all wear KANSAS on our uniforms, and we’re proud of that. We need to act like it. We’ve met; we’re all on the same page, and we will move forward together. The football team is ready to get back to work, focused on Saturday’s game against Southern Mississippi, and the basketball team will continue to prepare for another great season.”
Basketball – Cole Aldrich, Sherron Collins
Football – Kerry Meier, Todd Reesing, Jake Sharp, Darrell Stuckey
Chris Theisen, Assistant AD/Media Relations
University of Kansas
1651 Naismith Drive; Lawrence, KS; 66045
So the unrest that has rocked the campus in two separate incidents seems to be at an end, and I’m surprised it took this long. With Swords of Damocles hanging over so many heads (10 on the basketball team and two on the football team, at last report), and with FB head coach Mark Mangino possessing the ability to eat lightning and crap thunder, it’s no wonder everyone is playing nice. Scholarships, playing time, lots of stuff at stake.
But we’d all still like to know what touched off this Donnybrook, and we probably never will, because the Kansas Hush Machine is in full gear. College sports is big business, and big businesses don;t air their dirty laundry. But I’m keeping my eye on Tyshawn Taylor’s Facebook page just in case.
This just seemed appropriate: