I Have Four Words For You: Chimp On A Segway

All right, so maybe this post isn’t strictly sports-related, but if we can do rat basketball we can do this. Besides, I think after you watch the video you’ll forgive me. Straight from the land of Ham Fighters and bug death matches, comes this truly amazing find. Since you’re probably wary of anything hyped on the internet, I’ll use the power of understatement: this video will change your life.

Chimp Golfing

(There are many underappreciated chimp athletes out there.)

Note: I had to fight the urge to write this entire post in all caps, with four exclamation points at the end of each sentence. But indulge me just this once: OH MY GOD THAT CHIMP IS RIDING A SEGWAY!!!! (Video, of course, after the jump.)

(He thinks he’s people!)

Japan, as you know, is a country of maniacs. This from a Japanese TV show called Shimura Zoo, and as best I can work out, the purpose of the show is to force animals to do things to piss off PETA. On Saturday’s broadcast, someone decided it would be a good idea to slap a helmet on a chimpanzee and set him loose on a Segway, perhaps to facilitate drive-by poop-throwings. As you can see, he’s figured out how to make it go, but his method of stopping involves bailing out just before running into a tree.

According to noted expert Dr. Wik E. Pedia, the chimp’s name is Pankun. He’s a resident at Cuddly Dominion, which is a spectacular name for a zoo. But he and his Bulldog friend James are known for “embarking on a variety of ‘human’ tasks like buying groceries, planting a rice paddy, or catching insects.” Go ahead, I’ll wait for you to Google them. There’s some more information on Pankun, but OH MY GOD THAT CHIMP HAS LITTLE OVERALLS!!!!

Sorry, sorry, it’s hard to keep my composure in the face of such awesomeness. I have no doubt that if three hours of ape Segway action were televised against the World Series, they’d have to cancel the Fall Classic for low rating. Hell, I may just watch this video on loop for three hours tonight. OH MY GOD MY JAPANESE SPEAKING FRIEND SAYS IT’S THE CHIMP’S 7TH BIRTHDAY!!!!