Enjoy A Mouthful Of John Elway’s Nude Cocktail

Alcohol marketing and sex have been, um, bedfellows for decades. It makes sense, seeing as how alcohol has spurred at least 88% of the nation’s pregnancies, according to figures we just made up. But generally, the marketing is geared toward men, since men are visual creatures. Ones who like boobies, usually.

Nude Vodka
(This vodka may taste like unleaded gasoline, but if you’re looking at the bottle, you probably won’t notice or care.)

So it makes sense, then, that one alcohol company - the particularly unsubtle “Nude Spirits,” as you can probably tell, has hired an athlete to help push their product into you. Not sexually, just by way of ingestion. Pervert. So who’s going to be ramming the cocktail down your throat until your gag reflex gives out? John Elway, ladies and gentlemen!

Wait, what? No really, John Elway is apparently part of the Nude Vodka team now:

Nude Spirits, LLC the brains behind Nude Vodka™; an American-born ultra-premium masterpiece, inked an agreement with the legendary John Elway to sit on their Advisory Board.

Two of the most important traits for a quarterback are leadership skills and the ability to communicate a vision. John Elway used these qualities to become the winningest quarterback of all time; and now brings these advantages to Nude Spirits.

“We are honored to have John Elway on our team. Most people know John as the Hall of Fame Quarterback from Denver. I think of John as a savvy businessman, a leader, a philanthropist and someone who will play a significant role in the success of Nude Vodka.” says Shawn Harlan, CEO and founder of Nude Spirits.

First things first: John Elway was the “winningest quarterback of all time” for less than a decade; He Who Will Not Be Named now holds that mark by about 20 wins. Second, if being a good quarterback had anything to do with off-field success, Bernie Kosar wouldn’t be flat broke.

And more importantly, Nude Spirits has made the catastrophic mistake of trying to sell their product by combining the words “John,” “Elway,” and “Nude.” No. We do not want that. I love the hell out of some vodka, but I will not be partaking in this “ultra-overpricedpremium” beverage out of the fear that I’ll pick up a bottle one day, and right there on the label is El Johnway’s uncut johnson just staring at me with its one horrible, unblinking eye. That is not okay.

Also, if Dan Marino follows suit and releases “Dan Marino’s Puckered Starfish Coconut Rum,” then you know what? I’m done. That’s it. No more drinking. Meth is where it’s at now anyway.