Dwight Howard Shows Mary Carey His Magic Wand

Tonight’s bedtime story involves adult film star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, the Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard, and Chris Kirkpatrick from N*SYNC. One of them takes off their pants, and it isn’t Carey. Also there’s Bible verses.

Oh come on, you weren’t going to sleep tonight anyway.

Mary Carey, Dwight Howard

In an interview with a Sacramento radio station on Tuesday, Carey — who was in town to promote a strip club, natch — told a pretty amazing story about being pursued by Howard, who showed up at Kirkpatrick’s house to see her while Carey was on a date with Kirkpatrick. Look, you’ll just have to hear it from her.

Includes a guest appearance by Mr. Mxyzptlk, as I am going to call this particular Superman body part.

Carey spoke with the inimitable Carmichael Dave on KHTK Radio.

“Dwight’s a cool guy. For a month, we like talked on the phone, and he was always trying to give me prayers to get me out of porn and give me Bible verses to read. So then, I was going to go visit him when I was in Orlando, but I went over to this other guy’s house instead, Chris Kirkpatrick from N’Sync.  And then Dwight started calling, and calling, and calling me, because he knew I was with Chris Kirkpatrick, so eventually at 3 in the morning, Chris was like don’t answer Dwight’s calls.

“I get a text from Dwight at 3 in the morning — I’m outside Chris’s house. I’m like oh my god, what do I do? I was like, I got Dwight here and I got Chris in the other room and I’m talking to them back and forth. So finally I had to just pull Dwight in the bathroom and tell him he needs to go home. I was like I’m really sorry, I really like you, but this isn’t the time or place. When I pull him in the bathroom, he pulls his pants down, I was like, whooa. Yeah, and so I ran and started screaming …

“Well if it wasn’t for the Chris thing at the time, I really liked Dwight and maybe I would have furthered this. But I was at the guy’s house I was dating so it was inappropriate. So he totally thought he totally offended me. So I saved — he and I used to talk on instant messenger, on AOL — so he was apologizing; ’sorry, that was out of character for me,’ blah blah blah. I saved all the instant messages and I’ve been putting them all in a book. So I’ve got a lot of evidence. I’ve got an evidence file.”

Eat your heart out, Melky Cabrera. And speaking of that infamous (supposed) sex tape, Carey talked about that as well.

Yes, the video that’s out there, you know it’s funny, a lot of people thought it was a sex-tape of us, but it’s not. It’s just us in a hotel room and I’ve got this cool little phone that I make videos on. And I made like three or four little videos where I interviewed him, and it’s funny because he speaks like no English. Melky and I hit it off and we were hanging out and you know, it was really hard because the agent couldn’t communicate, he spoke Spanish, and I speak English.

“But I don’t think he understood a thing I ever said, even the video where I was asking him these questions like, ‘do you like living in America?’ And he was like ’seven years.’ And I’d be like, okay, great. He never really understood what I was saying, ever. And you know, we tried talking, and like a week after I was talking to him, he got moved down to like the minor leagues.”

And why was Cabrera shirtless again?