Did The World Need A “Rich Brooks” Ford F-150?

That’s the question we should all be asking ourselves. Forget this whole “economic recession” or “war in Iraq” junk, the real, deep epistemological questions all come down to the very existence of a custom truck designed by and for a coach who has put together a career marked only by being outstanding in his mediocrity.

rich brooks f150
(Rich Brooks F-150: Options include 20-yr lease on Motor City Bowl parking space)

That being said, the “Rich Brooks” F-150 looks like a sweet ride, so long as you’re into the whole white lightning look. Let’s be honest, that looks like exactly the kind of truck Barry Melrose should have been driving to work during his 10-game stint as coach of the Lightning. In fact, if he had been driving that truck, maybe the team wouldn’t have dumped him so quickly.

So what is the Rich Brooks F-150 bringing to the table? Outside of Ford’s “legendary toughness”, it’s got an awful lot of psuedo-sissy boy features:

  • Customized paint scheme of true blue, black and silver
  • Retax tailgate cover
  • Rich Brooks signature decals on doors and tailgate
  • Rich Brooks edition decals on fenders and quarter panels
  • 22-inch custom chrome wheels and tires
  • Tinted windows
  • Dual exhaust
  • Toff spray-in bed liner
  • Enhanced mobile satellite TV system
  • Microsoft SYN

Ohhh! Microsoft SYN! That’ll definitely sell those Kentucky farmers on buying one! They need Microsoft synchronicity like we need an online usage tax.

Luckily, a college football blog, THIRD SATURDAY IN BLOGTOBER, broke down features for a more realistic Rich Brooks special edition truck.

  • Tires made of 100% granite
  • No shocks (shocks are for wusses)
  • Bed pan
  • Hovaround
  • A DVD player with complete seasons of Murder, She Wrote and Matlock
  • A GPS system that, no matter your chosen destination, takes you straight to Nashville
  • OnStar is not included, but a MedAlert Personal Emergency Response is
  • First Aid kit, including defibrillator
  • Cupholders that fit whiskey bottles of all sizes
  • Vanity plates reading “BULLSHT”
  • An extremely organized glove box with places for your title, registration, last will and testament, and pill box
  • Ben Gay dispenser
  • Doesn’t run on gasoline, but prune juice
  • Lifetime supply of “Oops, I Crapped My Pants” adult undergarments

We have to admit, the “runs on prune juice” line is a pretty good one. So is the Hovaround, though, admit it, there are times when having a Hovaround seems like a swell gig. What are all we suckers doing walking around everywhere, anyway?

rich brooks f150
(Doesn’t this look like something Barry Melrose would buy while drunk?)

None of that has dampened the optimism about the actual Rich Brooks F-150, and the recession and near certainty of a return to high gas prices don’t seem to have hurt the expectations of the dealership that commissioned this whole boondoggle, either.

“The Brooks fans have spoken,” said J.P. Miller, Jr., Vice-President of Paul Miller Autogroup. “The toughest truck on the market now bears the toughest coach’s name. We are extremely happy to sell the Rich Brooks Edition F-150 exclusively at Paul Miller Ford. Now is your chance to come out and drive one!”

Well, we’re sold. In what has to be one of the worst sales jobs in modern history, the vice-president and, we can safely assume, the son of the owner and founder of a dealership just told us that we should all buy a special edition, gas-guzzling truck because it bears the name of a mediocre coach and — more importantly — because his dealership was dumb enough to commission it. And who has deemed this legitimate? The Rich Brooks fans. Oh, well, okay then. Everything’s fine.

Suddenly that auto bailout seems like a really, really bad plan, doesn’t it? If Ford is going to waste money trying to target 20 buyers in Kentucky by wasting time to build a custom edition ugly truck, what hope is there that they can be profitable by 2010?