Cowboys Rapper TE Blogs About Females Farting

You can always count on Martellus Bennett for some entertainment. The Dallas Cowboys tight end tried to make a go of it as a raucous rapper, but his dreams of mic magnificence were derailed after being fined $20,000 for rhyming “Romo” with “homo“. Now with a music career in momentary mothballs, Martellus has turned to the written word.

Martellus Bennett

Bennett has a blog over at the DALLAS MORNING NEWS, where he muses about life, love, low-post routes, and whatever else he’s thinking about. And what is occupying Martellus’ mind at the moment? Women’s farts!

KISSING SUZY KOLBER raises a stink about Bennett’s latest blog entry. In today’s edition, Martellus shares a foul-smelling story about one of his recent shopping trips:

I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus(sic). OMG! Now I knew it wasn’t me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her. I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty.

Martellus certainly has a gift of vivid literary description. He really needs to get his rap songwriting career back on track. But it’s not just his own personal pooting experiences that Bennett shares with us - he also talks about his other friends’ misfortunes with female farting:

My boy told me he was kissing a girl and she gave him a silent killer. This is definitely a mood killer. Do you continue to kiss her? This is a WWMBD moment (What Would Marty B Do). I would of definitely stop kissing her LOL and asked her if she was ok. But this is what he did he started sniffing the air and asked her if she smelled what he smelled. She said naw I don’t smell anything, and kept it moving. He asked her again you sure you don’t smell anything and she said yes hunny I’m sure. Then she asked what it was he smelled he started laughing and said oh nothing.

Marty B does make a good point. Nothing ruins a romantic moment like reeking farts, no matter which partner perpetrates the dirty deed.

As such, Martellus believes that when it comes to passing gas loud & lewd, such a task should be left to the men:

I guess women have to let go at times too but it just doesn’t seem right, but if they do then it shouldn’t smell or make a sound. I mean come on if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and as she’s feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her beauty or call her out?

That is a tough question. I would suppose it depends on how much you love that lady & how foul the fart is.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting Angelina for a spaghetti & pancake lunch. I really hope she holds it in.