Colorado Buffaloes CB Ben Burney gets college. No, no… obviously, the fifth-year senior gets college. He’s been faithfully attending classes and receiving lodging and all the other accouterments of higher education.
No, he really gets the point of college. While you’re there, play a sport, write a 500-page book, make a feature-length film, and get a half-million dollars in surgeries for your football injuries. Oh, and graduate in May.
(He works with kids, too! Mothers, line up your daughters for this one)
Don’t miss the film or the book, either: he’s promised the book will be “basically sex on paper”. That’s probably much more sanitary than other methods. See what he’s learned in school? (Oh, and good luck finding the book: he’s basically self-publishing under a pseudonym. We’re guessing “B. Flo Soldyer”.)
Also, he’s used college to develop a sense of humor sensitive to social mores. For example, here’s Ben talking about his weight loss due to the various surgeries (all since the 2007 season ended):
“I didn’t like coming around (the football facilities), even though I had to, because players would clown and be like, ‘Oh my god, you look like you were in the Holocaust or anorexic.’”
Honestly, though, he’s not really using college like he should: wasting five years of his life before stumbling into the real world completely unable to cope and moving back home with your parents before becoming a sports blogger and pretending it’s a career path while avoiding any attempt to find a job outside the home. Or, y’know, so we’ve heard.