Bobby Jenks Doesn’t Read, Loves His Own Butt

Every now and again, THE SPORTING NEWS rolls out a profile of a pro athlete with questions that are supposed to go beyond standard Facebook boilerplate. For the most part, the interviews read as straight standard operating procedure; a little bit of personality, not much attitude. Then there’s the case of White Sox closer Bobby Jenks, who makes it clear that he’s a rip roarin redneck the way that Keanu Reeves is a horrendous actor.

bobby jenks horrible goatee

(Thank God he has such a fine ass … oh wait.)

How can we be so sure? Oh, let us count the ways. In fact, let’s just check out the most choice of Jenks’ survey responses:

What I’m reading: Read? I don’t even read the newspaper. 

Favorite physical attribute about myself: I have a nice butt.

What’s in my iPod: Anything ’80s rock

If you can believe it, there’s even more after the jump. Much more.

How much more redneck can a man get? He drives a brand new Dodge Ram truck (nice to see he’s maximizing miles-per-gallon), grew up rooting for the most southern of all MLB teams (the Braves, despite the fact that he lived in Washington) and has no problem calling the first town in which he had a professional home — Butte, Montana — an “armpit.”

But before you write Jenks off as an out-of-touch idiot who can throw a ball really fast — and his continued idolatry of Roger Clemens could only help reinforce that stereotype — consider his one smart profile answer:

Dream date: My wife — just because she’ll read this

Well done, Casanova. Now, if only someone had told Jenks that the only official seven wonders of the world were ancient archaeological sites that have been wiped off the face of the earth — well, except for the Great Pyramid of Giza — then he really might have saved some face at the end there.